


He Deserves Better

by Daichan795



Category: Video Blogging RPF, cranksepticeye, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Chica solves all problems, Cranksepticeye - Freeform, Ethan needs a hug, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Jack Needs a Hug, Jack is innocent I swear, Long Distance Relationship, M/M, Mark is not oblivious for once, Mark wants to punch Jack, One-Sided Love, Panic Attack, Platonic Relationships, Puppy love that turns into true love, Self Loathing, Tyler is best friend, but Ethan doesn't want that, mark is the best, mention of depression, septicrank, someone help these boys, switch between Sean/Jack, teamiplier is best team, with a touch of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2018-11-22 04:45:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11372841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daichan795/pseuds/Daichan795
Summary: Ethan enjoys the collabs he has with Jack, especially their little chats after everything's recorded. When it's just the two of them being idiots. Honestly, it was not hard for him to end up falling in love. But then he learned it was a lot harder to pretend that he was okay about it.In which the blue boy falls for the energetic Irishman, Jack doesn't really help, Teamiplier and Chica  are supportive cinnamon rolls, and Mark wants to fly to Ireland and punch Jack in the throat.Note** Jack and Signe are roommates for the sake of this fic. In real life, I fully support their relationship and wish them the best ^^  I just really wanted to write a fic for this pairing because it's adorable and I need more of it.





	1. Started with a Figure

“How DARE you! I'll have you know that I'm a certified whale biologist, and that means I obviously know what I'm talking about.”

“Hmmm, yeah, I still don't think a whole orca can fit in a pool.”

“Well, yeh know what? Fuuuuck you!”

Ethan snickered, dodging Jack’s character after it made a move to to strike him. It however didn't save him from being tasered, causing him to scream in fake anguish as Jack cackled above his character's twitching body. “That what you get for doubting me!”

Ethan grinned, he was glad that Jack agreed to record another video with him. After editing Marks own video of their collaboration with Bob, Wade, and Jack; Ethan couldn't help but think Jack had a lot more fun with them then he did with him.

That if given the choice, he wouldn't want to play with or be anywhere around Ethan. Some of Jack’s fan base seemed to agree, filling the comments with how annoying Ethan's voice and personality was, and that Jack should have played with the usual gang instead. Ethan couldn't help agreeing with them, but instead of voicing that he would mentally slapped himself, and try to push the feeling down to the back of his mind.

It's not like he didn't understand. Of course Jack would have more fun with Mark and the others, he knew them longer and can easily play off on their words and crude jokes. They have a solid foundation built on years of friendship. Ethan doesn't have that connection yet. Sure, he and Jack are friends in real life and get along well (if their twitter conversations were to go by) but their collaborations are still fresh, still testing the unknown waters between them. In Ethan's opinion, they work together extremely well, even if some of Jack’s fans stated otherwise, and took pride in his videos.

That still didn't stop his heart from sinking a little at that fact. What if Jack decided there's no compatibility with him video wise and doesn't want to collaborate anymore? He enjoyed their little interaction after recording, especially after the video ended. It would be just them, talking and being complete idiots. No audience, no camera or video to record and edit later, just pure enjoyment of each other's company. It would crush him if that suddenly stopped. So when Jack didn't turn down the offer, he was extremely glad. Ecstatic even, he couldn't stop gushing over it to his friends Brian and G. (Who eventually threatened to mute him but Ethan knew they weren't serious, they were always happy to hear him out and he couldn't be more grateful for such good friends).

He was content. It wouldn't surprise him if he wore a huge smile throughout the rest of that day. The video itself went on beautifully, glitches and physic breaking galore leaving them giggling and out of breath at the end of the recording.

“Phew, that was so good! Do you have enough material on your side, dude?” Ethan asked, watching Jack’s image slightly flicker on the skype call.

“ Yup, all good on this end! Robin can take care of the rest.”

“That poor man…”Ethan lightly teased.

Jack grinned, “You mean hashtag BLESSED.”

They both laughed, already picturing Robin making a sarcastic reply in editing for Jack’s end screen. “Free to talk, or you need to record more?” Ethan questioned, catching his breath from his slight laughter fit.

“Yeah I do, but I got a few minutes to spare before I have to go.”

Like that, the high energy from video games smoothed out, leaving Ethan feeling slightly warm. He tried to bite down the small spike of shyness that passed through him, but he couldn't stop himself from fiddling with sleeve.

“ So...how's it going?” He started lamely, mentally cringing at his awkwardness. He usually was able to handle it very well in recording, the game or activity itself being enough to distract him. Without that buffer, he reverts back to his awkward, ADD self. And he hated that so much.

Luckily, Jack chuckled good naturally, “Pretty good, the Woosh and I are settling in nicely in the new apartment. Got a lot more space, look I got a new bonsai tree!” He excitingly reached over and shoved a brightly coloured tree on the screen, his green hair fluttering with the fast movement.

Seeing Jack so excited made Ethan smile, “Wowie, that's pretty neat! Aww I want one so bad!”

“You should totally get one dude! Spice up the background for your videos, add some colour.” Jack smirked, “What about you? How are you doing with Mr. Iplier?”

“Oh, you know, it’s getting better. He actually cleans my cage now so there’s progress!”

Jack threw his head in laughter, “That bastard!”

Ethan felt his chest swell at the sound, and he took a moment to relish in it. He sometimes forgot how powering and warm it was just being in Jack’s presence, even a digital one. He always felt better talking to him, no matter if the conversation was simple or mundane. It had this power to make his day brighter. A power he never really understood.

He always chucked it up for his fan boy self slipping through, after all he used to really look up to both Mark and Jack during the earlier days of his youtube career, still does actually.

Jack catches his breath, shooting Ethan an apologetic smile after taking a look at his watch, “Sorry Eth! I think my time’s up, I need to eat some lunch before I finish editing some videos. Man, I could go for some Thai….” they both laughed at that, “ so talk to you later!”

“Ahh, the life of a youtuber, so boring! Til next time, love! Have a good rest of your day!” Ethan said, ending his sentence in a half decent british accent. Jack flashed him a grin as he waved goodbye. His blue eyes were the last thing he saw before the screened flashed and Jack was officially offlined.

Ethan breathed in a sigh, taking a moment to compose himself. That went good. Swell even. It-

He slammed his forehead on his desk, emitting a small groan. “Did I actually call him love? How stupid could I be?”

His face felt hot, embarrassment creeping down his neck and spreading throughout his body. God, how does anyone stand him?

But at least he was able to play with Jack, even if it was a cringy mess. He could work with that. That means that at least the other tolerates him. He could work with that too. That's more than enough.

The table’s surface felt cool to the touch and Ethan sighed. “He still likes you, so you didn't fuck up too bad.” He muttered, “ There will be other recordings to make up for it, you can stop being a total spaz.”

And maybe there was a tiny voice in his head whispering self doubt on whether or not there will be a next time. And maybe most of the time Ethan listened to that little voice.

But his computer chimed with a new message below the blank Skype call and he couldn't be more happier to shove that doubt down it's throat.

 **Jackaboy:** Hey! Just wanted to know if we're still up for tomorrow, wanna try some Ben and Ed?

Ethan felt warm. Yeah, he could totally work with this.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

“Okay, so how do we make Markiplier TV more of a success? We already have the idea to use for all the Ipliers together, I just want your input if there should be anything more, like extra, to add?” Mark started off the teamiplier meeting, moving the whiteboard into view.

Its whole surface was filled with charts, pictures, and random notes, including a diagram that had all the Ipliers connected with string.

“The first video was a huge success, so it's going to be hard to beat that.”

Ethan tried to listen, he really did, but Chica decided that Ethan’s presence needed more of her and proceeded to boop her head on his leg. He cooed at her, encouraging her to further place her head on his lap and demand for pets (which he happily obliged).

He didn’t feel too bad though, they already exhausted this topic to its furthest point, Mark just wanted to cover his basis before they started the actual planning for the video. It was a grueling process, and it really cost all of them a few good days of sleep, but damn was it worth it.

Luckily, he wasn’t the only one struggling to pay attention.

Tyler leaned against one of the back walls (because he's Tyler and that meant being too cool for chairs) looking ready to keel over, eyes blinking rapidly in an attempt to keep awake.

Kathryn didn't fair any better, her head lolled to the side ever so slowly in her slumped form. She tried spicing her sitting position up by propping her head up with her elbow, but that just left a new pillow in its wake. (She did, however, have enough strength to still be able to humour Ethan at his jokes about her personifying her Twitter handle).

Only Amy seemed to have any energy left, laughing softly at Mark’s indignant huff, “You bunch of babies, it's only like one in the morning. You can stay awake.”

Tyler snorted at that, but Mark ignored him. “Ideas guys!”

Everyone groaned in response. Even Chica gave a small whine, nearly pushing her whole upper body in Ethan’s eager arms. At the sound, Mark deflated a little, sighing as he calmed his fingers through his hair. “ Yeah...I guess we're done for today. ”

The tone spoke numbers of what Mark felt about that, but the others breathed in relief at the dismissal and began to shuffle around.

Ethan wanted to continue some work on his laptop before he called it a day so he decided to stay in his spot, quietly taking out his things and sending Kathryn a warm goodbye as she got ready to leave the office. Chica made herself comfortable beneath his feet and he indulged in her presence.

He felt a little bit bad though as he glanced up from his screen and saw Mark still in a tensed position. It was hardly noticeable, but his shoulders were a little too high and he didn't have his usual good natural smile he usually wore, even if he was bone tired as the rest of them.

Ethan wished he could make him feel at least a little bit better. He knew out of all of them, Mark probably felt the most exhausted. This project meant a lot to him so he's stressing himself way more than he should.

Luckily, he didn't have to do anything at all.

He watched as Amy reached out from her spot and tugged on Mark's arm, breaking him from his small trance, and offered him a small smile. Noticing his attention, she scooted over in her place on the couch and patted the spot in invitation. Ethan watched in fascination as Mark all but jumped onto the spot, quickly wrapping his arm around her shoulder and pulled them closer together. Amy easily followed the movement, pressing her face at the base of Mark’s neck with a laugh.

It was...cute.

The tension seemed to have completely left Mark’s face as they gazed at each other, and Ethan felt his heart tug. They looked so… dorky. In a good way.

They were those type of couples that told stupid pick up lines and actually laughed at them. Ethan especially had to suffer through watching Mark’s lame attempts at being romantic (and it actually working). He was happy for them, but he did feel a little bit envious of their love.

He wanted to be lame with someone, tell them shitty jokes and cuddle with on the sofa. By no means was he in a rush to find someone, the single life offered him comfort and he felt he couldn't give the other the attention they deserved, but that didn't stop him from imagining it. Call it a unhealthy hobby he liked to indulge in from time to time.

Sometimes his mind liked to wander and fantasise without his consent, but he grew use to such things over the years (having ADHD really helped in that matter).

Today was no different. Like now, his sleep deprived mind drifted off as he typed on his computer, creating a foggy image of him with a blank person besides him. Different people shuffled through to fill the spot in his fantasy, some past lovers and crushes, others helpfully pieced together by his mind. The person fizzed and shook with each passing image, all standing in front of him with a beckoning hand.

None of them felt right. It frustrated him a little, it always did when this happened, but what did he expect? He huffed out a breath, scolding himself for allowing his mind to take control. He should really stop and continue with his work because it's going to pile up soon and he really didn't want to hinder the production, even more letting Mark down.

But his mind didn't let him. Instead, the images returned. This time, the blank person were replaced with people he actually _knew._

That has never happened before and Ethan’s fingers froze on the keyboard. Should he really be thinking about this?

The blank person fizzled and Mark (toned and firm, with an ever present sunny smile) filtered through, and Ethan immediately grimaced.

Not that Mark was ugly or repulsive (have you seen him?) but Mark is happily together with Amy and he'll be damned if he ruined that. He didn't mind the shipping, he even fueled it sometimes by calling Mark 'Daddy' in a few videos or sharing in a light hug, but that's as far as they'll both go.

He flickered towards the couple, catching Amy rolling her eyes at Mark’s latest claims, a sort of softness playing on both their lips. No, he would never try to ruin that for them.

His mind thankfully agreed, the image shifted to another person in a quick flash. It decided the next one would be Tyler (arms crossed with a teasing smirk). Ethan instantly smiled at that. He admits that the larger male was extremely attractive and always treated Ethan with care. The fans themselves thought they looked good together and made their ship fairly popular in the community. And he did love him, it was hard not to love the stone face giant, but not how the fans hoped. Tyler was like a big brother to him, both he and Mark always looked out for Ethan, even if that meant suffering through their constant teasing. They both held a place in his heart, and Ethan kept that in a tight grip.

The next two were a surprised. His friends Brian and Gerald appeared next, and he had to bark out a laugh (Which startled Chica and caused the couple to turn their heads in curiosity. He waved their concerns away). Oh, how they would tease him if they found out. The situation was similar to Tyler's, there’s no doubt he loved them, but the thought to even consider dating them couldn't be fathom. They were family to him, having been there since the early days of his YouTube career. Not to mention, Brian would take immense joy teasing and torturing him if he found about the little dive his mind took.

Ethan reacted the same way when Kathryn appeared. The fans also found them cute together and often questioned his relationship with her during live streams. Luckily, both of them got a kick out of it, finding the whole thing extremely amusing.

Ethan shook his head. 'What do you know, I'm not attracted to my friends. Surprise, surprise.’ His mind should really shut up now, there were no other options for him and even if there were, he didn't have time for a relationship.

The computer screen stared blankly at him, and he sighed. He leaned against his chair and stretched out his limbs, a yawn escaping his lips. It was getting late and Ethan decided he should call it a day. He bent down and petted Chica on her head, whispering a small goodbye. She licked his hand in returned before joining Mark on the couch, the latter greeting her with open arms. He made a move to get up, tiredness seeped through his body in waves and he ached for his bed.

Yet his mind, his treacherous, treacherous mind, took one final dive.

The image returned, the blank figure beckoned him with their fingers once more. It quivered and shook, till it formed into another person. This form took its time, creating limbs and features, colour slowly seeping through the black.

Bright green hair swam through his vision and Ethan stilled. Blue eyes peered down at him and suddenly everything felt warm. He gasped softly as the image seemed to appear before him and evade his space, he could practically feel the other’s breath hitting his cheek.

Jack.

It's Jack.

Why Jack?

Why did he appear?

Fake Jack smiled at him. He lifted his hand and cupped Ethan’s cheek, or he would have, if the image was real. Right, this wasn’t real. Ethan blinked and fake Jack was gone. Like he never was there.

The light from the computer screen flashed, the battery icon beeped loudly in the room. But Ethan didn't hear it. Why didn't this person feel wrong like the others? Why? Why? Why?

“Hey Ethan, Tyler's ready to leave. You should go too, we're about to leave ourselves anyways.”

Oh. Oh. The warmth he felt before completely left him. His eyes fell onto the screen, it stared blankly back, having died moments before. Not that he noticed. He couldn't see it. All he did see was his own reality, all his words, and all his actions.

It's cold.

“Hey, Ethan?”

It made sense, in a way. In a cruel, undeserving way. He should have known. Should have seen the signs sooner. It wasn't normal to obsess over someone so much, to think about the next time they could talk again. Or maybe, he's reading in too much into it? Yeah, that's right, that could be it. God, how was he so stupid?

“Ethan!”

He felt his shoulder shook and the cold feeling disappeared, “Wha-what?”

“You okay?” Mark asked, a hint of concern seeping through his voice.

Not here. Not here. Leave. Leave now.

“Y-Yeah, sorry 'bout that, just a little bit tired.”

Mark patted him gently, “Then you should head home, c’mon blue boy, Tyler's been waiting for you.”

Everything was a blur to Ethan. He numbly got up from the chair and followed Mark and Amy outside. He couldn't remember saying hi to Tyler or getting in the car. His body was on complete autopilot.

Why. Why. Why.

Colours swirled through his visions. Oh, Tyler's talking to him. He felt his lips move, yet he couldn't hear the words. His mind was quiet, but filled with thoughts at the same time. And that scared him the most. He couldn't feel anything. He was completely numb. The car is stopping. He felt his fingers unbuckle his seatbelt.

Why. Why. Why.

Tyler’s hug goodbye barely registered in his mind, but for that brief moment his thoughts quieted and he relished in the warmth it brought him, if only for a moment, before the coldness returned as he stepped into his apartment.

His steps felt heavy as he treaded through his halls, bag dragging slowly across the floor. Only when he reached his bedroom did he finally feel something.

No, thats wrong, he felt _everything_. It flooded all at once, leaving Ethan breathless and distorted. Confused. Happy. Surprised. Scared. Love. Panic. Guilt. So much panic and guilt.

Why? It couldn't be it. When did he felt this strongly for someone? Why was that person Jack? Are these feelings even real?

Why. Why. Why.

Ethan felt his breath became shorter, tears prickling in his eyes. He likes Jack. There's no other optioned. He had those fantasies for years. Not once had a possible interest infected him so deeply. So raw.

He won't be in denial any longer. That's not how things were going to work.

“I like Jack, I like Jack, I like-” he kept repeating, rubbing the tears away with his already damped sleeve. He peered through his fingers onto the ceiling, the whiteness of its surface emitted a sense of comfort.

He admits it, somehow along the way he developed this affection towards the Irishman. He couldn't even pass it off as a passing crush, not when his body quivered at its straints to keep his panic at bay.

The confession did little to ease his heart, but his mind no longer felt cloudy.

Why did it affect him so much? He should be feeling disgusted with himself, or at least trying to push those feelings as far away as possible. Yet, Ethan couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Feelings were precious things, and should be treated with a special kind of care and attention. More importantly, it would be an insult to Jack. Ethan would never admit his feelings to the other, he didn't understand them himself, but that doesn’t mean he’ll pretend that what he felt was not real.

He didn't care that they're both men, perhaps he might look deeper and reevaluate his sexuality another time, but as of now he found their genders significant. He needs time to figure things out, and he know he has to do it alone. He won't bring Jack into this.

Jack, no, _Sean_ , deserved better.

He was a wonderful person that touched millions, Ethan has never met someone who didn't like Sean. Why would Ethan burden him with unwanted feelings? Especially considering the absurdity of it all. There were so many things against him that it was laughable.

His breathing slowed, but his heart continued to hammer in his chest. That's right. Jack deserves the best and Ethan knew he couldn't give him that.

His knees buckled and Ethan stumbled onto the bed, but it did little to discourage him. “This is real,” he whispered. His nails dug into the sheets and Ethan shut his eyes. “This is real.”

Exhaustion slowly crept over him, whether from physical or mental strain he couldn't tell, and Ethan finally felt he could breathe. Yes, it will be okay. He could continue his friendship with Jack, he won’t let one-sided feelings hinder him.

Things will be okay. It has to be okay.

OoOoOoOoOoOo


	2. It will be okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark grumbled but complied, clapping his hands and starting the review for the day’s planned videos. The words were jumbled and quiet in Ethan's ears, as if he was hearing a distant echo that barely resonated. However, he straightened up and at least looked the part of someone paying attention, even when all he wanted to do was create some kind of noise and break the silence and chaos in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kudos and nice comments O~O!  
> I know cranksepticeye/septicrank is not a very popular ship so I thank you for taking the time to give my story a chance. I will do my best to make it worth your time!

“C’mon Chica, don’t you want to be with Daddy?” Mark cooed, kneeling down besides the couch with an arm stretched out in a beckoning manner. Chica raised her head from her spot, ear twitching in acknowledgment, before pushing her snout further in Ethan’s arms with a huff. Ethan giggled at the feeling, returning the gesture with wrapping his arms around her neck and enveloping her in a small hug. 

Tyler’s boisterous laughter filled the room soon after at the sight of Mark’s crestfallen face. With a huff, Mark made another attempt at calling her, slapping his knees and trying out different sounds of her name. She turned her head and ignored him, leaving him openly gaping in frustration and surp rise. Amy, bless her, tried to help by joining in on the calling, dangling treats and whispering a promise of a long walk. All attempts fell on deaf ear with the golden retriever, her form never left her perch at Ethan’s side. 

Mark looked heart-broken. 

“Chiccccaaa¬!”He cried piteously, dramatically flinging himself to the ground in front of her, only to groan sadly when even that didn’t catch her attention. 

“It’s okay Mark,” Amy soothed above him, “Chica just wants to be with Ethan today, that’s all.” 

“Yeah!” Ethan piped from the couch, fingers threading gently in Chica’s fur. “You know you’re still her favourite, she just wants to hang out with me for a while. She’ll come back to you.” Chica let out a snort and Ethan winced. 

Mark’s face fell even more. 

She didn’t really have good timing with his reasoning. 

Tyler’s continuous laughter and Kathryn’s light chuckles didn’t help either. 

“But Chica has been with Ethan practically this whole week!” Mark grumbled out, finally making a half hearted attempt of getting up from the floor. 

It was true. The lovable dog’s behaviour shifted rather suddenly since the past couple of days, adopting the need to not leave Ethan’s side the moment he stepped through the door, even going as far as to try and follow him in the bathroom (Which Ethan respectfully declined, and gently pushed her out with his foot). 

Most of the Iplier team found it amusing once they took notice, taking sweet pleasure in jibing Mark about Chica’s apparent new favourite. Naturally, Mark took great offence to this. She was his dog, dammit. He would call out to her as if he was losing a lover; dramatic, loud, and full of unnecessary tears. All ignored in favour of laying beneath Ethan’s feet. 

They had no clue as to why Chica suddenly took interest in their youngest member, but as long as nothing serious happened they weren't too worried about it. 

Tyler, finally calming down from his laughing fit, helped Mark off the ground. “We should probably get started on today's recording.”

“We sHouLD PRobABly gEt sTArtED on ToDay’s rEcorDing!” Mark mocked, and Tyler rolled his eyes. 

He ignored the others taunts and hauled him up, “We have to do this if we want to stay in schedule, Chica will be fine.”

Mark grumbled but complied, clapping his hands and starting the review for the day’s planned videos. The words were jumbled and quiet in Ethan's ears, as if he was hearing a distant echo that barely resonated. However, he straightened up and at least looked the part of someone paying attention, even when all he wanted to do was create some kind of noise and break the silence and chaos in his head.

Two weeks have passed since his realisation about Jack, and while the world still blurred sometimes, he felt like things were falling to a more familiar surrounding. He still recorded and edited videos for both Mark’s and his own channel, laughing and creating horrible jokes together. He still chatted with his friends, taking pleasure in raiding Girbeagly’s twitch stream and twitter feed once in awhile. Brian was always up for their short, childish banter. He still collabed with other youtubers, heck, he already scheduled multiple collabs with his friends and really looked forward to it. 

And yes, he still talked to Jack. 

Not much, but they still messaged each other on twitter and Ethan felt relieved that nothing has changed. His heart pounded and his ears ringed during their interactions, that's definitely new, but that was nothing he couldn't handle. He at least felt more confident that he would be able to act like himself when the time comes for another collaborations, which was fairly soon. He had to get used to it if he wanted to keep their friendship. 

The meeting finished rather quickly, everyone knew what they had to do that day and quickly disperse to their respective jobs. Ethan himself had to help Kathryn with teaching Tyler more about editing and working a computer. Mark stated that it was to help him in case something happened but Tyler knew better. 

Ethan suppressed a laugh at the sight of Tyler hunched over a computer, eyebrows furrowed in concentration and frustration.

He sat next to the grumpy man and looked at the work already done, grinning at the witty comments slathered throughout the video. “Mark’s not going to be happy.” He commented, sharing a look with an amused Kathryn. 

“Well, this is what he gets for making me edit another video.” Tyler merely replied, leaving another scathing message on the video. He looked pleased with himself, and the editing was not half bad, so Ethan didn't stop him. But he did made it clear that he would not take responsibility if Mark has a fit over it. (He tried not to worry how Kathryn eagerly replied that she would gladly take it instead. She was having too much fun with this, Ethan thought). 

They fell to a more peaceful, productive state, leaving time for Ethan to just...hear everything. 

He listened to the occasional jokes and sighs of frustration, the laughter and groans of fake disgust. He listened to the clicks of keyboards and the thumping of feet, the whirling of monitors and the soothing voices of his friends.

He listened to his thoughts, and wondered why they couldn't bring him comfort like the rest of the sounds surrounding him. 

They still jostled around his brain, leaving him dizzy and distorted. Flashes of green. Cruel words of doubt. Echoes of insecurities. _Are you sure you're still yourself?_ Ethan wanted to punch himself in anger. His own mind may be against him, but he knew where he stood in his situation.

He will let these thoughts go. Perhaps not now, he was not strong enough yet, he still doesn't know how he'll react to Jack face to face or if he could really still be _Ethan_. But he will, one day. For Jack. 

“Everything okay, Ethan?” Kathryn asked suddenly, making him flinch with a startled yelp. She patted his shoulder, whirling their chairs until they faced each other. “Were you in your world again?” She asked simply, arms crossed in what looked like in amusement. 

When Ethan didn't reply, her eyes flashed in concern and he panicked. “Y-Yeah! I was, sorry. You looked liked you didn’t need my help so I just wandered, you know how I am. Whoopsies!” He managed out, shrugging in what he hoped looked casual. His heart thumped a little louder when Tyler also turned around and looked at him, keyboard and mouse abandoned on the table. 

“You are spacing out a little more, not unusual, but still a little weird.” Tyler said, eyes flickering over Ethan's form in silent observation. The look was neutral, typical of the stone faced man himself, but Ethan still felt his skin crawl in discomfort. He didn’t want to know what Tyler saw, he just hoped it was good.

"Sorry, I’m just a little tired. Been busy building my furniture and it's taking fooorreevver.” He replied, voice trailing to whine at the end. He was not lying either, he decided to pick up some more furniture and plant life from Ikea in hopes of living up his place. It was not, in fact, an excuse to get out of the house and distract himself from his thoughts and anything related to you-know-who (It didn't work).

They accepted his answer fairly easily, Tyler slipping into a smirk at Ethan's pathetic face. “You probably didn't finish any, huh?” Ethan flipped him off and his smirk widen. “You know, you might have meat stuck in you somewhere from the food area in Ikea” he continued, eyes finally leaving Ethan's form. “Maybe that's why Chica’s all over you.” 

Kathryn nodded her head in agreement, reaching over to pet the lovable dog underneath the blue boy’s feet. Her tail thumped loudly on the carpet, making the others laugh at Mark’s sudden cooing noise from the back. Ethan sighed in relief. Good, the conversation switched to Chica. Not him. He joined in the joke and made a squawking noise in fake offence, feeling the steady pace return as the others continued to laugh. 

The rest of the day left little for him to indulge in his thoughts, his love for his work put him in the state of mind where he only thought about perfecting a video and having fun with friends. It left him feeling tired and boneless by the end of the day. 

He sluggishly dropped onto the couch and curled his legs closer to chest, a content smile appeared on his lips by the sudden dip of the cushion and the weight pushing on his thighs. Chica’s warmth radiated over his body and he allowed himself to relax, if just for a moment. 

Tomorrow. 

Tomorrow is his collaboration with Jack. The deciding factor on whether he can keep his promise he made to himself on that fateful day. He knew he was overreacting, knew that his dreamt up scenarios were unlikely to actually happen. But, he couldn’t help it. He wants, no, needs for things to go smoothly with Jack. He didn’t deserve to have to deal with Ethan’s emotions and be left wondering why the other suddenly looked shifty and distance. If Ethan makes it awkward, then Jack might be uncomfortable and rethink ever talking to him, and Ethan would be damned if this, this interest, creates a wedge with one of the people he truly admires. 

He hugged his knees tighter, anxiety and fear pressing down firmly in his chest. What if. What if. What if. That's all it has been. If he was being honest with himself, he felt a bit pathetic for acting this way. Why did he had to make things complicated? Sometimes he really hated himself. 

“This is stupid, I'm stupid.” He muttered lowly, eyes closing shut in self loathing. 

He flinched at the sudden wetness crossing his cheek in light strokes and he looked up, blinded by the colour gold. Chica woofed softly, as if aware that she needed to be quiet, and met his eyes. The sudden flash of brown stilled his thoughts and Ethan, slowly, hesitantly, reached out and cupped her face, his left thumb gliding over her cheek in soothing circles. 

Her brown eyes glowed, wide and trustful. He felt a strange connection looking into those eyes, as if they were trying to tell him something. “Was is it, girl?” He said quietly, awed at the way her eyes suddenly sparkled.

She woofed again, leaning up until she hovered over his face. She nuzzled his cheek once, before licking softly under both his eyes (darkened from lack of sleep). She licked the skin until she was satisfied, dropping down to the floor and met his gaze with the same sparkle in her eyes.

"You sense something...don't you Chica…?” He whispered, a sudden thought coming to him. She nuzzled his hand in response, her eyes twinkling with what he can only describe as patience and understanding. 

That's when Ethan understood. 

He crept to the floor and kneeled beside her, once again cupping her cheek with shaky hands. She knew something was wrong with him. She knew. 

Perhaps not the cause of it or what it actually is, but she could understand that he was feeling anxious. Her behaviour was not out of nothing. Nothing was wrong for her. It was all for him. 

Ethan pulled her into a hug, a breathy inaudible sigh escaped his lips. Chica nuzzled even further, taking in his shaky arms and warm breaths against her fur. Ethan was grateful no one took notice of them, he never realised how much he needed this support. It didn't matter that the person was a dog or that they could not understand the situations, having anyone at least acknowledge him meant so much. 

“At least now I have someone to share ice cream with when I feel down.” He joked to her, giggling when she merely tilted her head in wonder. 

He could do this.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

“Motherfucker! Did you see that shit!” Jack screamed and Ethan broke into laughter, his kart barely managing to dodged the set of bananas on the track.

“I did! Duuude, Toadette just fucked you up.” 

“I know! That bitch…”Jack exclaimed, eyes blown wide as he screeched in disbelief at the 5th place number dancing on his screen. He grumbled at the unfairness, turning his head rather dramatically at his camera and stared incredulously, as if asking his audience if they also witnessed such bullshit. 

Ethan could already picture the field day Robin will have once he gets his hands on the footage. He shared his thoughts to Jack and the other broke out of his anger driven retorts, frantically waving his hands at the camera and pleaded mercy to his editor. 

Ethan’s face hurt from all the laughing, and god did that feel so good. He really did smacked himself for his stupidity, playing it off as if he was trying to psych himself up for the next race. He had nothing to worry about after all. He was expecting himself to trip over his words once Jack’s face took over his monitor, probably dissolving into an awkward, stuttering mess that tried to act casual but failed miserably. And wow, he was so glad. Ethan didn't have to _act._

The moment Jack’s blue eyes lit up once he saw Ethan and greeted him with a wide smile, he immediately felt peace. The voices stopped. His thoughts stilled. He’s still Ethan (He was warmer, and his ears ringed like usual, but nonetheless he was so relieved).

Conversation flowed easily between them, sharing their love-hate relationship with Nintendo and mocking Ethan's lack of knowledge of popular shows. In Jack’s words, it was a grand ol’ time. The recording finished off with a bang, the final race ending with a tie and they whooped loudly in victory. 

“Best team, best team!” Jack hooted, sharing multiple air high fives with an equally excited Ethan. “And it was all thanks too… Waluuuuuugi!” He screamed with his arms in the air, body vibrating with the erratic movement. 

Ethan mimed him, screaming his character’s name in his own garbled way. His voice cracked at the end, strained with all the laughing and yelling he's been doing. He never knew how good of a feeling that was. 

Jack put his arms down and chuckled, “Yup, that's how we're going to end the video. Screaming as usual.” 

Ethan grinned, “Wouldn't have it any other way.”

They talked a little after, Jack having found the time to hang out for a while before he needs to go to bed. The first part was about YouTube, a topic that both have plenty to discuss about. Not all bad though, their communities came up and they both shared how proud they were of everyone. 

Ethan loved his community to death, almost as much as the green haired man himself. But Ethan couldn't help the absolute fondness spreading through his body at seeing Jack talk about his own community. He would talk with pride, warmth and affection oozing over every praise, sadness and hope seeping through every thought of the obstacles that his audience may be facing. He truly cared for them, and Ethan couldn't believe how beautiful Jack really is. 

The topic switch to a more easy-going pace as they took turns telling ridiculous stories and embarrassing situations. 

‘Jack talks with his hands just like I do’ Ethan mused as the other started a story on his experience with the new neighbours, his hands animating the scene with vigor every few seconds. His eyes were part of the story too, Ethan realised. They shimmered and sparkled alongside the tale, colourful and bright like his personality. It was endearing to watch. He knew he shouldn't be looking at Jack the way he was now, but he couldn't help it. 

The loudness. The brightness. The sincerity in every action and word. The constant assurance that it was okay to _not be okay._ Just being in his presence solicited how little it took to fall for him, he made Ethan feel fine to be his fucked up self. (A tiny voice suddenly broke through the chaotic sounds in his head, a voice that sounded a little like his own, and whispered to him that whatever he was feeling was okay, too. He wanted to hear that voice again).

Ethan followed the conversation with little difficulty even when his mind wandered, grateful of his ADD for once for honing such skills, and found the other’s voice comforting and nice to hear. And yes, even with the yelling. 

“They were nice enough about it, but I felt so bad! I kept saying sorry to them haha. It was so baaaad.” Jack finished with a grimace, hands cupping his cheeks as they flushed in mortification remembering the event. 

It depend at Ethan’s leering face. “They thought that you were-” 

“Yeah, but I wasn't! Fucking Felix kept making sexual noises during recording and I didn't have all my foam pads up yet, so that was a fun thing to talk about. That Swedish piece of shit...” Even the cursing sounded endearing (and hilarious) to him. God, he was in too deep.

“Luckily for me I have not had that problem yet.”

“You're not living with Tyler anymore?” Jack asked curiously. 

Ethan shook his head, “Nah, it was mutual though. We both wanted our own place so it worked out well. But to be honest, it's a little spooky to be by myself.” All alone, with only his thoughts to keep him company. 

Jack furrowed his eyebrow in thought, a quick look of confusion passing his features. “Huh, I thought you two were…” He stopped his sentence there and shook his head, sending the blue boy a quick smile. “Ah, oh well!” 

“You thought what?” Ethan questioned, pushing the sudden blush on his cheeks down from the intense, searching stare he was met in returned. It was gone in a flash, leaving him reeling with jumbled feelings of confusion. 

“Nah, its nothing. I was just reminded that I need to go kick Felix’s ass the next time I see him.” 

Ethan barked out a laugh, the recent experience already forgotten. “Yeah, kick his ass!” His phone buzzed in his jeans and he fished it out, smacking his head as he read the typo littered text. “Agh, I gotta go do that. I forgot. Whoopsies!” 

Jack's amused face flickered through his vision as he randomly reached for things on his desk, letting little sounds of victory when he found them.

“You're heading out now?” 

“Yeah, I need to help set up for one of Mark’s sketches. Nice talking with you dude!” He chirped happily, genuinely feeling giddy inside and out. Maybe his words turned out a lot softer at the end than he hoped, but he didn't care. They talked! The video went swell! Jack doesn't dislike him! Oh, it was totally going down as a victory in his books. 

Jack's face melted to a smile at Ethan's response and cooed, “Awww, you too dude! Always good to hang out with you. I'll let you go then, I gotta take care of some shit before I go to bed anyways. Aaauugghh sleeeeep!” He groaned loudly, throwing his head back in fake agony. 

Ethan stifled his giggles with his sleeves and Jack broke character to grin at him, joining in the laughter with his own giggle. They shared their goodbyes over Skype with promise of another collab soon, waving stupidly at each other as Ethan broke the connection and logged off. 

He leaned against his chair and breathed out a long sigh, his body sagging heavily on the soft cushion. He probably had the biggest, stupidest smile on his face and dammit he couldn't be happier about that. This is what he wanted. To hang out with Jack and make horrible jokes together, to talk about anything and listen to everything. He proved to himself that he was able to put their friendship above his feelings without it getting in the way. 

“I could do it.” He whispered out loud, head swimming with thoughts of Jack and the wonderful evening they had. He stared blankly at the ceiling, smile slowly fading away. “I could be a friend and still secretly be in love with him. It's not that hard if it's for him.” 

He ignored the heavy feeling returning to his stomach. He ignored the kind voice in his head that wondered out loud if he was actually happy about this. He ignored how his heart beated uncertainty in his chest. He ignored it all. 

He was happy. He could do this. 

He could do this. 

He would do this. 

For Jack.


	3. What does it mean?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan's behaviour has been a little different, not really noticeable at first glance and he seemed himself during recording and team hang outs. However, the blue boy just didn't seem right. It was like an instinct, a gut feeling, and he learned to never ignore it when it comes to the people he cared about. He didn't like it. Not one bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! Thanks for waiting, and as thanks, here's a little longer chapter for you guys. I know that this ship is not very popular so I'm thankful to each and every reader ^^
> 
> Special thanks to Youngjusticeteeentitan for taking the time to read my story and leave lovely comments. I love you TT^TT
> 
> And a thank you to everyone else who has commented, gave kudos, and gave my ridiculous story a chance. Your support means everything to me ^^
> 
> Un-betaed so mistakes are my own.

“Is this what it comes to, telling goo jokes again? I thought we were done with this?”

“No, we sunk lower before. Remember, cunt?”

Mark choked in his laughter as Ethan gasped loudly, clutching his stomach as it shook with the force of his giggles. Their controls clattered onto the table with a clank, left forgotten by their mirth. The screen in front of them suddenly splashed with black ink from another player’s attack, sending them both in another fit.

Mark decided to come over Ethan’s place to hang out for a bit that day, genuinely wanting to spend time with him. It caught him by surprise, but it was a pleasant one. (Ethan felt bad that his first reaction was to think ‘why?’, confused over the fact that the other chose to be with him on his rare free time instead of someone else). Naturally, they decided to do the one thing that truly created the epitome of bro-bonding.

Playing Mario kart.

And making horrible jokes.

They tried to stifle their laughter but little giggles here and there slipped out, sighing out the word ‘cunt’ before erupting in more laughter.

Ethan sank in his chair with a grin, chest rising with each breath, “We have to...stop. Mark, we have to stop.”

“I know!” Mark whimpered, his giggling sounding more like crying now. “I know we do, but I just can’t.”

It was a rather silly evening, and Ethan loved every single moment of it. It felt good to spend time with Mark, knowing that they didn’t need to have a camera in their face in order to enjoy each other’s company. He knew that Mark considered him his friend, but he couldn’t help but feel relieved when the other validated it. It was stupid, but sometimes when he’s by himself, he drifts down and wonders what good deed he has done that has given him the opportunity to be friends with the people he knows now. They were precious people who always seemed to drag him back to reality when things got a little bit overwhelming for him. He may not know what the good deed was, but he was positive that it must have been a great one.

After playing, they settled down in his living room, offering their lungs a much needed rest, and decided to watch some movies. They shuffled through Ethan’s limited collection, deciding on a light hearted movie that had enough plot to be interesting but still gave them a chance to talk without ending up lost in the story soon after. They shifted into more comfortable positions on the couch cushions as Mark hit play, lifting Ethan's legs over his lap and used them to prep up his arms.

It was during the middle of the film that Ethan’s phone suddenly chimed, buzzing faintly in his hoodie’s pocket. He pulled it out curiously, briefly thinking it was one of his friends wanting to chat. The notifications flashed above the screen with Jack’s handle bolded. It was a response to his tweet about new merch, the picture depicting Ethan modelling some shirt and snazzy hoodies. He nervously clicked on the notification, freezing once the message loaded up.

 **Jack_septic_eye:** Lookin’ good bro! They really make your eyes pop, maybe I’ll get a shirt too if it makes me look THAT good ;)

Ethan’s entire face flushed, he felt it reach his ears and dive down his neck. His hands trembled as he stared unblinkingly at the tweet. Oh god, he was not prepared for that. There's even a winky face! Who does that?! He took a deep breath to calm his frazzled nerves, mentally scolding himself for acting so dramatic. He should be used to this sort of thing! They’re the type of messages that Jack sends all the time with his friends, suggestive comments only done for shits and giggles. He’s gotten plenty from Jack and his other friends before, and he sent some of his own in return, so he shouldn’t be reacting the way he is now.

His heart thumped wildly in his chest as he groaned in his arms, willing the blush to disappear. He thought he was getting better, having passed the obstacle of actually talking to Jack and not making a total ass of himself in the process. He kept his thoughts to himself when he did admire him and only made suggestive comments when the other instigated it first. It was good, better than Ethan expected. And yet he completely loses it to a text only, bromantic tweet? It made no sense. He’s getting more and more ridiculous.

“Leave it to me to make things more complicated,” he muttered lowly, cursing himself for being so stupid. Thankfully the blush subsided and Ethan leaned up with a sigh.

“What’d you make complicated?” A deep voice asked, and Ethan violently flinched, nearly smacking himself with his phone.

He whipped around, paling at the sight of Mark peering over him with a curious look on his face. “You okay?” he asked, curiosity dimming only slightly to let in a small spike of concern at Ethan’s expression.

Shit. Ethan forgot Mark was there. How could he forget he was there?! His legs are literally on top of him! Oh no, he had seen Ethan's little freak out. He internally screamed, tightening his grip on his phone. Boy, how's he going to get out of this one.

“Oh, um,” he fumbled, shoving his phone in his pocket, “yeah it's nothing. Brian just reminded me of how bad I did on a game. I kept making the situations more complicated than it should be. It's a problem!” He said with a shrug, voice pitching to a more comical one to sell it. On the inside he sweated bullets, berating himself for letting himself be seen like that. He let himself be in his headspace for too long. “I didn’t realise I said it out loud, sorry about that.”

Mark slowly nodded, mixed emotions flickered through his eyes as he regarded the other carefully. Ethan forced himself not to squirm at the stare. “Oh man, don’t worry, I have the same problem. In this game I-” Mark began with a chuckle, eyes leaving Ethan as he recalled the memory, allowing Ethan to momentarily breathe.

Too close!

The film played distantly in the background as Mark spoke, the noise mingling with Ethan’s frantic thoughts. His phone felt heavy in his pocket and Ethan couldn’t shake off the need to think about it. He bit his lip, mulling over Jack’s tweet. He knew the message itself was completely innocent and meant nothing, so he didn’t know how he should respond. Or if he should respond at all. Should he go flirty back? Would that be weird? Or would it be weirder if Ethan didn't play along? Tweeting somebody should never be this complicated.

He forced himself to laugh at the right time during Mark’s story, not wanting to make the other believe he wasn't listening (which he honestly was not). His fingers twitched over his pocket.

Finally, Mark excused himself to go the restroom, lifting Ethan's legs off of his lap with an exaggerated groan. Ethan watched as he disappeared through the door, holding his breath until he heard the distinctive click of the bathroom door shutting close. Once he heard it, his fingers darted into his pocket and yanked his phone out. He pulled up twitter and clicked on reply, biting his lips nervously in thought. ‘Okay, don't panic, don't make it weird. Just reply like you're talking to Brian. Yeah...yeah! Pretend he's Brian!’

 **CrankGameplays:** Thanks man! :) You gotta get one! How else would people know who you stan??

He finished it off with a sighing emoji, quickly pressing the send button before he lost his nerve. It was a simple task, but Ethan felt like he ran a marathon. He slipped his phone back into his pocket, pleased to find it no longer heavy, and finally let out a soft breath. Gosh, who knew tweeting someone was so stressful?

Mark shuffled back into the room at that moment and Ethan straighten himself up. Mark flopped back down onto the couch and moved them both back into their last position, grinning at Ethan’s grumble. The film still played faintly in the background but he was sure both of them were no longer paying attention to it.

“I think we need to change the movie, something more..interesting.” He pulled up netflix on the screen (because apparently Ethan’s collection wasn’t good enough for ‘interesting’) and scrolled through the selection with a hum, the noise lulling the stressed boy back to reality. He sank deeper into the couch, sliding his hands up to pluck a pillow from behind the others back and tucked it under his chin. The tweet still lingered in his thoughts, a heavy reminder of his cruel fate, but for now, with Mark, he felt a little at peace.

Until Mark pulled up to the horror section and his heart stopped. “Mark, NO.”

“MARK YES.”

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Ethan thought that the tweet was a one time thing. A silly message that caught him off guard and made his heart pound, sure, but he took it as a learning experience to try and steel himself up if it ever happened again. He just didn’t think that it would happen so soon.

Or even frequently.

It started off small and insignificant, so Ethan chalked it up as nothing at all at first. During their collabs and skype calls Jack would stay on longer, telling Ethan about his day and random stories from his childhood.

To be honest, it was heavenly. Ethan greedily indulged in the more talk time, happily listening to Jack’s rambling and loud voice. He felt giddy that the other wanted to spend more time with him, even when the conversation were mundane or boring. The fact that they never ran out of things to say sent a pleasing shiver through his spine. They passed awkward small talk to full blown conversations and occasionally, peaceful silence. He knew that Jack was a busy man so knowing that they made time for him made him happy.

It did nothing to help his heart, he knew that, but he told himself that he could have this. It was okay wasn’t it? It was just talking, no harm done. He could handle it. (The comfortable atmosphere during their calls allowed Ethan to observe the other in peace and God, it didn’t take much to make him fall for the other even more. Jack was just so amazing. Who was he kidding, he's not handling it). The change was welcoming, so Ethan didn’t even bother to question it.

However, after that, things began to turn a little weird. He first thought that he was over analysing things, something that he’s been doing a lot actually. But he still couldn’t help feeling hyper aware every time he saw Jack’s handle on social media. He was seeing Jack far more often than he was used to. Jack always seemed to be online whenever Ethan checked, and answered his tweets mere seconds after posting.

He thought that it was all in his head, that these cases were only coincidences. Jack is known for going online and interacting with the community every day, that’s what made him so genuine, and in a sense, Ethan was part of that community. So it wasn’t strange to see the other online. Even the constant messaging didn’t fall from the norm. It’s not like he minded the behaviour, their banter was all in good fun, and their audience enjoyed the attention (especially since every other comment is someone excitingly stating “Collab!!!!” in all caps letters). Ethan shrugged it off fairly easily.

He could not, however, brush off the next thing that happened.

Ethan loitered around Jack’s comment section that day, wanting to read some of the comments in one of their collab videos they recently did. They were mostly positive and he felt his chest swell with relief at every kind word. Their audience were too kind to them, calling them ‘green bean’ and ‘blue boi’ respectively and commenting their excitement. He sometimes felt like he didn’t deserve them.

Of course there were a few bad apples in the mix, most complained about his nasally voice and how annoying he seemed to be. He did deflate a little at those words but he just shook his head and forced a smile, already used to such comments. All Youtubers were, they took these types of comments with a grain of salt, only taking it seriously if the comments were actual constructive criticism instead of just being rude or trying to be edgy.

This time was no different.

A rather dismissive comment appeared during Ethan’s scrolling, calling Ethan a ‘waste of time’ and that Jack should ‘play with better people’ (and Ethan couldn’t help the sudden pang in his heart when he nodded his head in agreement). He merely snorted in slight amusement, pretty used to other communities not too keen on welcoming him. They looked down upon him since he is younger than his friend, and often see him as too childish. Too annoying and needy. (They were not wrong, but the way they stated it made Ethan know that they meant it as a bad thing).

His finger glided over his mouse with a defeated sigh, ready to continue along with his scrolling. But then he saw Jack's handle bolded below the dismissive comment, with a lengthy reply attached to it.

Now Ethan was not the type to butt in into other’s conversations, even written ones. Especially if it's between Jack and a fan. However, he couldn’t help but waver over the comment, his curiosity getting the better of him. It’s not like Jack to respond to an obvious hate comment, a hate comment that has nothing to do with him at all. But everything to do with Ethan. That definitely raised some flags.

He hovered over the ‘read more’, biting his lips as anxiety bubbled beneath his skin. He heard the click of the mouse more than anything else as both the comment and Jack’s reply unravelled in front of his eyes.

Somerandomasshole: Jack, c’mon man. You're better than this. Why waste your time playing with this annoying guy when there are better people to play with. Don't collaborate with him again. Seriously, his voice is making me autistic.

Jacksepticeye: Whether or not you like a person, it does not give you the right to deem them as nothing or a waste of time. Ethan happens to be an important person in my life that I cherish and enjoy spending time with, including making videos together. Who I decide to collab or surround myself with is not dictated by you or anyone else. I value every person who gives me a chance or watches my videos, but I will not stand for such disrespect towards someone I care about. Also, your whole spewl lost even more credibility the moment you claimed to get autism just from someone's voice. Let me be perfectly clear. Never use a person's illness to make yourself seem superior.  
Grow up.

Jack’s comment had thousands of likes, with an impressive amount of replies to. Most of them either expressed their shock and shared the same feelings with vigor while others took the more comedic route and spammed ‘rekt’ or ‘roasted’ throughout the thread.

But Ethan ignored that. In fact, the whole page was blurry, fuzzy and unimportant. All he could see was that little paragraph. And he didn't know how to feel.

His fingers curled around his desk and gripped tightly, tinged with white. His heart stuttered with every beat and he didn't know whether he was breathing.

Jack defended him.

Him.

No good Ethan.

This was a big deal. A very big deal. Everyone will make a fuss out of it. No doubt this comment will be slapped on every social media, gossiped and theorised by their audience.

Why?

Why did Jack defend him?

People shared their dislike about the person their idol hangs out with all the time. Even Mark sometimes got the brunt of it, and everyone loves the guy. He was happy that Jack shut down the commenter solely on the fact they tried to use an illness as a bad thing, but he couldn't fathom everything else. Why reply publicly like that? And what he wrote…

“I'm...someone important to him…?” He whispered, eyes never leaving the screen. His mind whirled with thoughts, frantic and loud. What did this mean? Did it mean anything at all?

Jack's kind words stared back at him and he clenched his eyes shut, his whole face and neck flushing a light pink. Friends defend each other, friends care for each other. This is just Jack being Jack, too kind for his own good. He probably didn't care that this might paint him in a bad light, all for Ethan's sake. Ethan knew, with all his being, he didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve this beautiful person.

“Haha...oh god, I really do love him.” Ethan laughed, broken and harsh. And yet, it still dripped with fondness and unabashed love.

Jack really isn't fair.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Mark knew something was wrong with Ethan. The feeling of wrongness itched under his skin and it didn't show signs of leaving anytime soon.

After leaving Ethan's apartment the other day he began to wonder, finding the other’s behaviour strange and a little off. He let it go once he saw the blue boy try to appear casual, deciding to play along and allow him some peace. But that didn’t mean he was going to let it go. The moment he returned home he scooped up Chica and flopped them both down on the couch, threading his fingers through her fur as he thought.

Ethan's behaviour has been a little different, not really noticeable at first glance and he seemed himself during recording and team hang outs. However, the blue boy just didn't seem right. It was like an instinct, a gut feeling, and he learned to never ignore it when it comes to the people he cared about. He didn't like it. Not one bit.

He sighed in frustration, feeling comfort from Chica’s weight on top of him. “Do you know something, girl?” He muttered, frowning at the whine he received in response. He ruffled her fur, a look of wonder crossing his features as he did so. That's right. Chica has been following Ethan around too. She has been for a couple of days now. Mark felt like smacking himself. He should have immediately assumed something was up, she would never do something without reason. He was so blinded by his own emotions that he never wondered why.

“Guess we gotta do some lookin’ huh, girl?” She looked up at him and barked, making Mark smile. He may not know what is happening, but he's damn sure going to get to the bottom of it.  
  
The next couple of days he arrived a little earlier than usual, eyes flickering to the door once the rest of the team strolled in. He conducted the day as usual, briefing everyone of the schedule before shooing them to their respective jobs, including himself. This time however he never took his eyes off of Ethan for long periods of time, shifting his observations with an equally worried Tyler (who Mark told of about his concerns and was relieved when the other shared his feelings wholeheartedly).

They didn’t leave Ethan alone either, purposefully giving him jobs that required their help. Amy and Kathryn, bless them, did not question their behaviour and adjusted to the sudden change, sending them encouraging looks whenever they passed. Ethan himself was blind to the stares, seeming both relieved and nervous to have them around. They could see on his face that he at least felt confused by the new arrangement, but they breathed in relief once Ethan decided to shrug it off, probably used to having company with Chica always besides him.

Mark and Tyler switched off every few hours and both were present during team breaks, practically hovering over the boy as they feigned conversation and scheduled videos. They themselves knew that they were being sort of overprotective, especially basing their suspicion over a gut feeling. But Ethan is their friend, practically family. They'll be damned if they did not check up on him, at least for a couple of days.

And they're glad they did.

During Tyler's shifts, he would notice that the blue boy would sometimes stare off into space when he thought he was alone, not in the usual ‘Ethan’s in his own world’ sense. He looked more distant, practically closed off with such blank eyes that it actually surprised Tyler the first time he witnessed it. Scared him to the point where he purposely snapped Ethan out of the daze by smacking papers on the desk in front of them. Now he stuck to his observing in the shadows, clenching his fist every time those green eyes lost their luster.

Mark findings were no better. Ethan easily played along with the team’s dynamics, joining in on the crude jokes and stupid antics, overall acting like the blue boy they know. Mark even forgot he had a mission to do during one of the recordings, too caught up with sharing ridiculous stories and non-stop giggling. If it weren’t for Tyler’s discovery, he probably would have thought the whole thing was one big misunderstanding.

Then, in a stroke of genius, he changed his tactic. Instead of looking for the obvious differences, he needed to look closer, focus on the little things. So he did.

During conversations, his eyes trailed over Ethan’s person from the shine in his eyes to the tapping of his feet. When alone, he would stared at his hands, specifically his fingers and how they moved and twitched. It was a hard feat distinguishing what movement happened naturally and what should be noted down.

Mark understood that like himself, Ethan also has ADHD, including ADD, and would sometimes get the urge to tap their fingers on any surface to create noise or shift in their seats to stimulate their mind; anything to fixate their attention on one thing. So Mark tried to separate Ethan movements from suspicious ones (however he did worriedly noticed that the blue boy’s ADD seemed to be acting up more frequently).

He did managed to observe that Ethan would dip his fingers in his pockets and clenched around an object, most likely his phone, and would dart his eyes towards it from time to time. The phone returned again during the other’s alone time, fingers rapidly scrolling through social medias. He sometimes stopped at random pictures and comments, the content itself too small and blurry for Mark to distinguish, and would just sigh, his face blooming a brilliant red with a lost look crossing his features.

These occurrences were more than enough evidence for the two men to agree that something was definitely up. On the last day of their observation, they loitered around the eating area, brainstorming how they were going to approach Ethan. They didn't want to appear overbearing or like they were trying to force him to talk. They just want to _understand_.

Luckily Ethan chose that moment to wander in, slowly padding his way to the snack drawers with Chica in tow. His brilliant green eyes held that distant glaze within them and Tyler frowned at the sight. “Hey, Eth. Got those videos finished and sent to Kathryn?”

All they got was a low hum in response. Ethan’s movement were robotic, stiff and slow as he rummaged through the drawers. He didn't seem to care what he took out, half heartedly ripping off wrappers and packaging and stuffing the food in his mouth.

“Ethan. Hey.” Mark called, sharing a panicked look with Tyler when he ignored him. Even more, Chica seemed agitated, nipping at the younger boy’s jeans and barking rather loudly. “Ethan.” Mark tried again, leaning against the counter to look at his face and try to catch his attention. He opened his mouth to say something, but he froze at the sight of Ethan peeling open another candy bar.

A very peanut heavy candy bar.

“Ethan, STOP!”

He lunged forward and smacked the bar away, effectively knocking Ethan onto the floor. Ethan violently flinched, eyes blown wide with un-held confusion and panic. The candy bar skidded across the counter and dropped to the floor with a loud thump!, breaking into tiny little pieces.

His hand tingled uncomfortably and he looked down, surprised to see it blooming blotches of red. He didn't dwell on it for long though as he was hauled up to his feet by an equally panicked Tyler, his loud voice snapping him back to reality. “Ethan, do you need your epi-pen? Ethan!”

“N-No, I don't.” He managed out, flickering nervously at the mess below him. He suppressed the shudder spiking through his spine at the familiar sight of peanuts mixed alongside the broken pieces. Oh god.

“Ethan, are you sure? Your hand is kind of red.” Mark questioned, all traces of the usual goof ball gone as he gripped at the younger boy’s wrist.

Ethan nodded, “Yeah, I didn't eat it so I should be fine. My skin is turning red because I touched it, I'm, ah, kind of _really_ allergic so that much would make me react. But not enough to need my epi-pen!” He hurriedly added at Mark’s pinched face and Tyler's death grip on the counter.

Ethan hesitantly pride Mark’s fingers off his wrist and guided his hand over the sink, biting his lips as water poured over his hot skin. He could feel his friend’s stares on his back, and he knew he couldn't escape from this one. Not this time.

“Ethan, can we talk?” Mark’s voice was firm, but surprising comforting. Ethan jerkingly nodded, allowing the two to turn off the water and guide him to the couch. They settled him onto the comfy couch cushions near the eating area (Chica eagerly joining in and lied her head on Ethan’s lap) and settled down on the coffee table in front of him.

Ethan expected the tension of the room to swallow him up, suffocate him until he no longer was able to breathe. But it didn't. All he saw were two friends looking at him with concern and small, comforting smiles.

“Ethan we know something is wrong.” Mark started slowly, voice clear and firm. They didn't want to scare him more than he probably already is. “You're sometimes careless and you do space out a lot, but never when it comes to your allergy.”

Ethan bit his lips, focusing on his blotchy hand that still pulsed with unwanted heat. That was more than careless, it was down right dangerous. He instantly felt sick, the thought of almost eating peanuts made his body tremble with unmasked fear. He's pathetic. So god damn pathetic. To be shaken up by such insignificant events that he would do something so stupid. It was so pitiful he couldn't even laugh. He didn't dare make a sound, shakingly nodding his head at Mark’s words.

“However, we want you to know that we won't force you to tell us what's going on, if you decide that it's not the right time or that we're not the right people to talk to, we’ll understand.”

“Just know that we have no problems hearing you out if you do decide to tell us. Whatever it is, no matter how big or small the problem is, we'll work it out together. That was quite a scare you gave us.” Tyler added, his usual gruff voice replaced with a more gentle and soothing tone.

And god, Ethan knew that they meant every word. Not a single trace of judgement or hesitation lied in their eyes. No pity or demand of an explanation. They just wanted to understand.

He didn't deserve them either. He didn't deserve any of their kind words. God, he felt like crying. His stomach bubbled with unease and his heart thumped loudly in his chest. He knew he didn't deserve them, but here they were, and Ethan wanted to be selfish. He wanted to be selfish so bad, to put his trust on his beloved friends. His beloved family.

“...”

He hugged his chest, staring into the mesh of Chica’s beautiful fur to collect his bearing. And he breathed.

Let him be selfish.

“Trust me when I say it's really stupid and that I'm making it way worse that it really is.” He started out, noticing their expressions pinch to a grimace, as if wanting to protest his words. But they stayed silent and allowed Ethan to continue, and he was grateful for that. “Well, I kind have been hung up with this guy, like full blown goo goo eyes, and it's really doing bad things to my heart.”

Their expression shifted to one of surprise, “So...are you questioning your sexuality?” Tyler asked with a slight lightness to his voice.

Ethan shook his head, “Nah, that sorted out a long time ago.” Chica booped his shoulder and he focused. “Anyways, we've been messaging and hanging out like usual. And after spending so much time with them I kind of realised how awesome he is, and how pretty and kind and overall a wonderful person that it really fucked me up emotionally. I was a wreck the first time I realised I really liked him in romantic way.”

He actually smiled fondly at the memory, marveling that while he’s still making mistakes he did at least make a little progress.

“So why don't you tell this person you like them?” Mark asked, crossings his arms as he listened.

Oh right, Ethan never said Jack’s name. He wondered whether or not he should mention it. Would it change their perspective? Change how they're taking in the situation? Jack is their friend, they knew him way before Ethan was even in the picture. Jack didn't need to have this kind drama towards him. While he knew Mark had good intention, he didn't trust the man to not go directly to the source of Ethan's trauma. No need to drag Jack into his problems. He’ll keep Jack's identity to himself.

“I don't need to,” Ethan continued, “ he told me himself that he's straight. Repeatedly, to many people.” He closed his eyes and remembered the countless videos when Jack expressed his sexuality to his viewers, especially during the Septiplier fiasco that occurred. He even said so during their Skype chats once after he retold a hilarious story about the time he had to kiss a boy. It stung his chest the first couple of times, having to endure the constant reminder that his feelings were a burden. But he accepted it as reality and instead used it to keep him grounded and assure him he's doing the right thing.

“We also have distance between us, he lives on the other side of the world! We both are so busy with work and our own lives that having to deal with the hassle of a relationship is too straining. He also already suffered from a failed long-distance relationship with someone and I really don't want to put him through that.” He clung to himself, feeling reality pounding into his head. It crushed him to admit it out loud, to hear the variables against him.

Mark stood up in alarm, “Etha-”

“Let’s say he does decide to give me a chance and we try this long-distance thing, I know it will not go well. He's so out of my league that it's laughable. He's so kind and genuine that everyone at least respects him, and I'm just me. And even if Me is good enough, it's not for him. He deserves so much better than me. No, I will not burden him with these feelings. I'm more than happy just being his friend.” He gave a shuddering breath, holding back the stinging tears that threatened to fall. He knew all along, there was no reason to cry.

He felt Mark grip his shoulders and he held back a flinch, the warmth of his palms soothing his frazzled nerves. Mark gently pulled him to a hug and sighed, pushing Chica a little bit so Tyler could take the other side on the couch. “You have no idea how much I want to scream bullshit.” Mark whispered, threading his fingers in Ethan's messy blue hair. “You are more than enough, I don't care who this person is or how great you think they are, if Ethan Nestor is not good enough than the person you think they belong to does not exist.”

Ethan tucked his face into Mark’s neck, scrunching his shirt with tight fingers. He made a little noise in response, letting them know he's listening.

“We can't change the way you feel, and even though it's painful to see you this way, we don't want to change it. Because what you're feeling is okay, Ethan. It's okay.”

Ethan shuddered again.

“You're only human, Eth,” Tyler suddenly said, lying his head on Ethan's back. “It's okay to feel sad or angry or confuse. It sucks, and not healthy if you suffer from it for too long, but it's definitely okay once in a while.”

Chica woofed, snuggling into the crowded laps. Mark felt Ethan crack a smile on his neck and he sighed in relief, welcoming Chica into the group hug. “It's also okay to want happiness too, Ethan. No matter who you are, you deserve to happy, whether from a relationship or not. You can always be selfish in that regard.”

Tyler wrapped his strong arms around all of them and squeezed, causing Mark to groan and Ethan to giggle. Chica licked at the young boy’s exposed cheek, rumbling happily when his fingers found their way to her fur. They were a sight to behold, three grown men and a rather large dog squeezed into a tiny couch and hugging the daylights out of each other.

And Ethan loved every minute of it.

All four were content to stay there, for once feeling peace these past few days. But Mark had to ask one more thing, to finally put things to rest. “Ethan, while it's your decision, I still think you should tell this person how you feel. Are you sure you're okay just being friends?”

Ethan nodded, pulling his head up to look into Mark's eyes. And he smiled. A beautiful, heartbreaking smile. “That's the one thing I'm sure of. Today was a one time thing, I promise you that what you saw won't happen again. Honestly, I just let his kind words get to me, let myself be fooled that there was something there when there's clearly not. I'm learning to deal with my feelings little by little, and one day I can be Ethan without complicating things. Their friendship means the world to me, and if they want me as only Ethan the friend, then that's what I'm going to be.”

Tyler’s and Mark’s eyes widen at the declaration. No hesitation. No quiver in his voice. Just a sweet, accepting smile.

And that hurt.

It hurt them so much to see such a young, cheerful boy decide such a cruel fate.

They didn't say anything about the claim, pushing Ethan back into the embrace and held him close. Mark didn't know who this person was, but if they continued to hurt their blue boy, continued to lead him into insecurities and doubt, he was going to find out. And they were going to personally have to deal with him. Consequences be damned.

For now, he was content in hugging Ethan's troubles away, if only for a moment, and trying with his all his might to let the boy know.

He's worth everything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end, just two more chapters to go. I'm the author and I hate myself for putting Ethan into so much turmoil. The precious cinnamon roll. 
> 
> -And I know Ethan no longer has blue hair but for this story, that is not canon.-
> 
> Thank you for reading and I'll see you guys in the next chapter ^^


	4. Actions and words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He cursed himself during those weak moments. He knew that Jack was merely being his usual goofy self, wanting to tease him and cause mischief with some of the more interesting fans who ate any fan service up. He knew that, he really did, but his heart would not agree with him. It clenched painfully during those moments, a silent reminder of his pathetic fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it has been a while and I apologise for that. I would like to thank a few people before you carry on to read.
> 
> To youngjusticeteeentitan for being there since the beginning and never failing to comment on each chapter.
> 
> To galley_is_bae for telling me they have came back to reread my story countless times. It really made my day and gave me great motivation to finish my other projects so I can focus on this one.
> 
> To Peachy-Space for taking the time to check up on the story and letting me know how much people actually liked this story to continue to be patient. It was a very good wake up call.
> 
> And of course thank you to everyone who has commented or gave me kudos. Even during this shortt break I never failed to read everything you guys said. Thank you for your support and giving my story a chance ^^
> 
> The cranksepticeye fandom may be small, but I appreciate each and every one of you. ^^

Things started to get better for Ethan. After talking with Mark and Tyler, he felt like he could finally grasp at reality. It no longer distorted his vision and scrambled his thoughts into intangible mess. It did not fix his problem, he knows that, but it did stable him somewhat and that's all he could ask for. 

Chica still followed him around, taking great care in biting his jeans whenever he entered the kitchen or eating area, perhaps in fear from what happened last time. In fact, all of teamiplier were present during meal time, keeping a very keen eye on the food he got his hands on. It was a little annoying to be watched so closely, feeling as if his friends couldn't trust him anymore, but he knew they meant well. They were trying to look out for him. So while he occasionally sighed in irritation at their babying, Mark and Tyler being the brunt of his frustrations, he appreciated their concern.

More than that, he felt really, _really_ loved. Guilt still settled uneasily in his stomach at his selfish thoughts once in a while, knowing he was taking advantage of his friend’s kindness. Feeding off their words and warm touches. But like before, he couldn't help but beg the faiths to allow him to have such selfishness. Allow him to bask in their embrace that chased away the voices in his head, leaving behind the only voice that sounded like his own.

Seeing Jack online no longer bothered him either. He still occasionally got struck by nerves, flushing a brilliant red when they messaged each other, but now he welcomed the onslaught of emotions. Mark told him that what he’s feeling was okay no matter if it was negative or positive, and he decided he wasn’t going to shy away from it anymore. He admitted that the conversations he had with Jack left him feeling giddy and warm, never failing to brighten up his day. Jack was his friend, he didn’t have to feel guilty for enjoying their time together.

So Ethan met him head on, engaging in gif wars with Jack on twitter, created videos together with Robin occasionally tagging along, and shared witty banter with him alongside their other friends. His heart still stuttered when Jack’s words had any suggestive undertones during their banter or teasing messages. His head still filled up with thoughts of Jack. Despite that, he didn’t allow himself to drown in his thoughts like last time.

He cursed himself during those weak moments. He knew that Jack was merely being his usual goofy self, wanting to tease him and cause mischief with some of the more interesting fans who ate any fan service up. He knew that, he really did, but his heart would not agree with him. It clenched painfully during those moments, a silent reminder of his pathetic fate.

The feelings still ate at him, tearing at his seams slowly and precise. But he refused to let it get far. He won't lose himself again and make his friends worry even more about him. 

And he succeeded.

A month has passed since the incident. A month without jumping to conclusions. A month without worrying over every little thing. He recorded two videos with Jack, he helped Mark with his editing, he hung out with his best friend Brian.

Life was good, great even!  His subscribers believed it too, excited over the surplus of videos and interactions. They filtered through his comment section and twitter feed, their support and nice comments easily making Ethan’s day a little better. They seemed to greatly appreciate his collaborations with Jack, expressing how great their chemistry is.

After the whole drama with Jack and the rude fan passed, the jacksepticeye and CrankGameplays community joined together in their effort to let both Ethan and Jack how much they adored their friendship. It was a strange method for them to take to show their support, but Ethan and Jack appreciated it nonetheless. Jack even joked around and told him this was a great excuse to make more videos together. Ethan (despite his heart thumping wildly in his ears) agreed wholeheartedly.

It was a gold mine for the fans, they ate up every content they uploaded. With so much interaction Jack couldn’t help but jokingly flirt with him during games, openly stating that Ethan was ‘his only one.’ It was harmless. All in good fun.

Then the fan service became something bigger.

He would read his comments during one of their collab videos (smiling at the kind words and cute messages) and would notice that at least one would mention how cute they looked together. ‘Cranksepticeye’ and ‘Septicrank’ were the ship names they debated over the comment section, following with excited words and arguments over their compatibility.

Then he started to see fan art and ship posts on tumblr. Ethan suspected this might have happened eventually, the internet loved to ship people, including youtubers, and had an awful habit of becoming obsessed with said ships.

Ethan was no exception.

He mostly been paired off with Mark or Tyler, both fairly popular with a devoted fanbase. He had no problem with it as long as they didn’t go too far with it. In fact he encouraged his viewers to not shy away from being creative, even liking a few artwork that depicted him being ‘lovey dovey’ with his friends (although he occasionally had to quit the page quickly, face flushed at witnessing some of the more daring creations, mentally wondering how in the world they got his anatomy correct in the first place).

Mark and Tyler he could handle being paired off with, they joked around the topic constantly, boldly slipping in suggestive actions and words in Mark’s infamous ‘Mark makes:’ videos. Being shipped with Jack was definitely new. He was never shipped with someone he actually _liked._ Ethan did not mean to even look at the ship tag, he really didn't. He only wanted to look for a certain gif of both he and Jack mimicking each other in one of their videos (he found it really endearing the first time he saw it used on a post and wanted to save it) and stumbled on the tag during his search.

His eyes would flicker towards the innocent tag as he scrolled down, curiosity gripping at his head. But curiosity was what got him into this mess of emotions in the first place. His finger hovered over the tag hesitantly, pros and cons racing through his head. It's harmless to look, right? It's not like he was going to share anything or somehow find Jack snooping around. Besides, if he does find anything unsettling he could always close the page and pretend nothing happened. He read fanfiction before with his friends, surely he could do this?

Ethan clicked on the tag with a squeak, his heartbeat jumping in his throat as the page loaded up. He scrolled down slowly, not really knowing what to expect. There were not many posts at all when the page finally loaded up, most of them tamed and incredibly sweet. Some depicted screenshots of Ethan’s and Jack’s more ‘enticing’ tweets to each other with little descriptions on the bottom about how cute they were. Other posts had fan art of the two of them doing sweet couple-ly things like holding hands and sharing light kisses. The rest were ship headcanon posts and fanfiction links, only a few containing any nsfw type of content.

It was like peaking into a little community, a small group of people talking freely about their interest and shared love over the pairing. Ethan felt...a little touched at the discovery. There was a sense of respect in the community, each person understood what the shipping entailed and knew it was all in good fun. They respected the boundaries and made sure to tag warnings if some of the content were more on the daring side. Most of all, the way they imagined and theorised what it would be like if Ethan and Jack were a couple was kind of cute.

Ethan scrolled through the tag with a little smile, thoroughly enjoying his little discovery. Each post was special, a flutter of excited texts and meaningful conversations.

He scrolled down more and paused at a particular fanart of him and Jack looking down nervously with little smiles, their hands entwined between them. Sam and Gizmo hovered over their heads holding little hearts, the caption below the picture saying “ _Shy blue and green boy on their first date.”_

He felt his fingers twitch besides him at seeing their held hands, a sense of longing swelling up inside his chest. “I want to do that…” Ethan whispered softly, raw with emotion he didn't know he felt. His own voice startled him and he jerked back with wide eyes, fumbling the mouse in his hand in haste to close the page. Crap, he's not suppose to do this anymore! No more deluding himself, no more false hope!

His vision flickered across the page and his hand froze over the mouse, the cursor centimeters away from the close button. He couldn't believe his eyes. They had to be lying. A trick of the eye. His brain pulling a final sick joke. His eyes traveled over the same picture and paused right at the top.

**Therealjacksepticeye reblogged this post.**

No way.

He clicked on their username with a shaky breath.

No way.

The page loaded up slowly, the familiar logo popping up with Jack’s name.

No way.

And there the fanart was, sitting innocently below his other posts. The notes on the work were over the thousands, the comment bubble looking like it was ready to burst with the amount of comments it contained.

So his eyes didn’t lie. Jack actually liked it, reblogged it. He put it on his main blog for all to see, tagged as cranksepticeye.

What is going on?

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Mark sighed for the umpteenth time that day as his phone chimed harmlessly on his kitchen counter, loud enough to reach his recording room. It has been ringing constantly for the past hour with new messages from his twitter, interrupting his recording with its annoying sound.

He rubbed his hand across his face, “I really need to remember to silence that damn thing before recording. Ughhh…”

With a huff he stopped his recording and turned off his monitor, stretching his arms with a loud yawn before making his way to the kitchen. He eyed the device with annoyance, snatching it into his hands and swiping it open with a quick flick of his fingers. He pulled up twitter and clicked on notification with a grunt, wondering what was so important that he needed to be bothered.

The tweets loaded up and he immediately snorted.

“Of course it would be Felix.”

He was getting notifications from Pewdiepie’s tweet he replied to a while ago, some of his friends apparently joining in on the conversation. “Hmph, they had to reply on mine instead of Felix’s” He grumbled to himself as he swiped down his twitter feed and began to read the replies.

 _@pewdiepie $ tweeted:_ Got some new swag for you to check out! 60 mil club. Famsquad only pls.

 _@markiplier replied:_ swag swag swag swag swag.

 _@Jacks_Septic_Eye replied:_ BUT CAN IT DO THIS? -gif-

 _@pewdiepie $ replied:_ No, BUT CAN YOU DO THIS? -gif-

 _@CrankGameplays replied:_ Famsquad Squadfam -gif-

 _@pewdiepie $  replied:_ ;) Well well well, if it isn’t blue boi. Gonna get my sexy merch?

 _@Jack_Septic_Eye replied:_ He actually has taste unlike some people :v

 _@pewdiepie $:_ If he hangs around with me more I’m sure that can change ;)

 _@Jack_Septic_Eye replied:_ Leave Ethan alone, Felix, he doesn’t need to learn anything from a shitty swede :P

 _@pewdiepie $ replied:_ Well aren’t you two cute <3 Date already. -gif-

Similar banter continued down the twitter feed, gaining quite amount of attention from their fans. Most of them cheered on the silly antics with reactions gifs and sarcastic comments on who is going to win the ‘argument.’ Others joined in on the joke and began posting pewdiepie memes of his chair and the prices of his 60 mil club merchandise, thinking themselves as comedic geniuses.

But Mark didn’t focus on those tweets. He instead noticed the few rare ones in the mix that commented on Jack’s and Felix’s behaviour.

 _@thatonedude replied:_ Aww yeah go Jack! Protect your man from the swedish meatball. 

 _@crankthatmeme replied:_ Pewds confirmed cranksepticeye stan #1

 _@crankgumplz replied:_ Look at all those winky faces, what is Pewds implying haha.

 _@crankseptiplier replied:_ cranksepticeye is alive and well! Even Jack approves! Tumblr.com/image…

Normally comments like these don’t interest Mark, having been used to similar claims during the time Jack and he were paired up. Fans sometimes liked to have fun with shipping and he had no problem with that as long as they did not take it too far. After all, most of the time the shipping was not real. But this time he was not too sure.

 _@Amyseptiplier replied:_ Watch out Mark, Jack has found a new love with Ethan <3 -I’m joking pls no attack-

Mark stared at the messages for a long time, rapid thoughts circling around in his head.

This bothered him.

Why does it bother him?

He leaned against the counter, flicking through the tweets once more as he tried to make sense of his thoughts. Maybe it's because this involved Ethan? It was pretty odd for Felix to suddenly shift the conversation to Ethan the moment he replied, a person that Felix never interacted with before until now.

Why the jokes? Why suddenly commentating how cute Jack and Ethan are together?

Mark let out a long winded sigh, rubbing his eyes in frustration. God, this is so stupid to get worked up over, he should just mute the notifications and get on with his day. He went into his settings and did just that, but before he put his phone down a sudden realisation hit him. Maybe it bothers him because Felix suggested that the two would make a good couple?

After having that emotional moment with Ethan, Mark has not let anything slide involving the blue boy, and talking about dating or being a couple probably hits too close to home for Ethan. Especially suggesting dating someone like Jack.

Jack’s not a bad person and Mark would not have any problem if they do somehow begin dating, but the situation would be too similar to what Ethan is struggling with. Jack lived far away, a relationship is possible but would be extremely difficult to obtain not including how their schedules already clashed for recording sessions, just like what Ethan is trying to avoid doing with his mystery person. 

Not to mention how much Ethan idolised Jack, Mark couldn’t count the times he caught the boy smiling to himself when he listened to Jack talk over skype. Or how excited he gets when they do meet up in Brighton and hang out for the rest of the day. He would probably sike himself out too much and think his feelings are not genuine enough for Jack for originally being a fanboy. Mark knows how his friend thinks, if he feels terrible having feelings for some random guy he would be devastated falling for Jack. He probably would rather stay friends and make things even worse than confront the Irishman and risk their friendship.

“No way, it's way too close to the mystery guy. Maybe I should cue Jack in, get him to keep an eye on Ethan, too.” Mark chuckled to himself.

Jack and the mystery guy, they are way too similar.

Alarm bells start ringing.

Jack and mystery guy.

Mark stares blankly at his phone, the messages flashing through his eyes.

No.

_“...I know it will not go well. He's so out of my league that it's laughable. He's so kind and genuine that everyone at least respects him, and I'm just me. And even if Me is good enough, it's not for him. He deserves so much better than me. No, I will not burden him with these feelings. I'm more than happy just being his friend.”_

Jack knows Ethan looks up to him. Jack knows how worked up he gets. How dare he make Ethan feel like shit?

How **dare** he.

“That bastard…”

-

The door in the office slammed open, smashing into the wall and created a loud bang, startling the occupants in the room. Tyer, Amy, and Kathryn look up from their laptops in surprise as Mark stormed into the room, baring his teeth furiously as he shifted his gaze from each member, his normal beautiful brown eyes a stormy black. It darkened further when they landed on Ethan’s form who failed to notice Mark’s presence, too busy hovering over his phone with a worried expression.

“Mark, are you okay?” Amy asked, slowly standing up from her chair. Mark ignored her as he immediately marched to the nearest computer, fingers rapidly typing away on the keyboard.

“H-Hey, what the hell are you doing?” Tyler exclaimed, placing his hand on Mark’s rigid back.

“I’m buying a one-way ticket to Ireland to meet with Jack.” Was Mark clipped reply, fixing his mistake on the search bar after Amy helplessly corrected him that Jack lived in Brighton now.

Jack’s named catched Ethan’s attention, he looked up from his seat in confusion, dropping his phone onto the ground in his haste to get to Mark. “W-Why are you meeting Jack? And why in such a short notice?” Ethan asked breathlessly, flinching at the fire practically spilling from Mark’s heated gaze.

“Because I’m going to march right up to his front door and punch that Irish bastard in the face.”

He could only gape in utter confusion as Mark continued to type away at the computer. What? He’s not serious is he?

Mark made a victorious sound when he found a perfect flight, clicking the information box and quickly began filling it out.

Oh God, he was.

“Mark, whatever happened between you two is not worth a trip just to go punch him! What are you thinking?!” Ethan flung his hand across the screen, successfully blocking Mark’s view of the confirmation button.

“Ethan, move.” Mark seethed, smacking his wrist when it didn’t budge. Jack had to pay. Why isn’t Ethan letting him?

“Okay, okay let’s talk about this!” Tyler exclaimed, his grip tightening over Mark’s shoulders, making him wince. “Mark, why in the world do you want to fly all the way to Brighton just to hurt Séan? Even if you're furious with whatever the reason is, it's not like you to do something like this.”

Mark breathed deeply, slow and meaningful. He looked up and met Tyler’s steady gaze. “Because he’s hurting Ethan. He's the one who is messing with Ethan's head.”

Ethan’s heart stopped at hearing those words, his arm going slack off the computer screen. His mind screamed.

No.

No no no no.

How? How did Mark find out? Ethan was so careful. He didn't overthink things anymore. He didn't let Jack’s words and actions get to him anymore. So how?

What does he do?

What does he do?

What can he do…?

Tyler pinched his face in thought, meeting Mark’s steel gaze head on. “Hurting Ethan? How is he…” his voice trailed off, eyes widening in realisation.

He turned his head to look at Ethan, gritting his teeth at how pale he became, the same dull glaze covering his once pretty green eyes. “It's Jack, isn't it?” He kept his words measured and calm even with the anger rushing through his veins and filling his head. 

Ethan quivered at his gaze, his mouth dry. He tried to force his mouth to open, to deny it, to tell them that they were wrong. But he couldn't do anything but nod, blinking away the tears that wanted to fall.

Tyler’s face hardened. He turned to Mark, eyes resolute. “Buy two tickets.”

Ethan jerked from his huddled form, managing to clutch both Mark’s and Tyler’s wrists with his shaky hands. He shook his head violently, suppressing the burning feeling inside his chest. “W-Wait! This isn't Jack’s fault! Stop!”

“What do you mean this isn't his fault?! Look what he did to you! Is STILL doing to you! Walking over your feelings like it’s nothing, making you feel like you’re inadequate. You expect me to let this slide?!” Mark snapped back, anger radiating from his entire being.

Tyler’s face was thunderous, cold as steel, veins bulging from his neck. If he wasn’t holding Mark’s shoulder in such a tight grip, it wouldn’t be surprising if walked out of the room and hit something.

“He didn't do that to me! Jus-Just listen for a second, okay!”Ethan cried out, arms flailing out frantically. At seeing Ethan’s desperate face Mark gritted his teeth, breathing deeply through his nose to try and calm himself down.

For Ethan. For Ethan. For Ethan.

“Okay...okay.” He said quietly, releasing his hold on the mouse and stepped away from the computer, Tyler quick to pursuit. Amy and Kathryn shuffled closer to Ethan, biting their lips worriedly as they helplessly looked on.

Mark crossed his arms, guilt fluttering in his stomach at having to put Ethan on the spot, but it had to be done.

He won’t allow this to continue.

“Okay, we’re listening.”

Ethan felt his throat constrict violently, leaving it dry and painful. He breathed through the pain, forcing his lungs to work and suck up as much air as possible, taking each breath like it was his last. It’s time, he knows it is. He can’t hide it anymore, not to them. Especially not to them. He can trust his family.

“Yes, you’re right. Jack is the guy I told you about last time. I didn’t mean to feel the way I feel about him, but the more I hung out with him, and, y’know, talked with him, I just did. I wish I had more time to actually explore my feelings the moment I did figure it out, but my subconscious had other plans apparently! Had to see ghost Jack of all things...” Ethan exclaimed, muttering the last part to himself in exasperation, shaking his head to focus his thoughts at their confused expressions.

“But it’s not Jack’s fault, I swear! He doesn’t even know that I like him so he’s not hurting me or taking advantage of me or anything like that! It’s my own fault for developing feelings and letting his actions -that are not on purpose by they way- get to me. My brain likes to take every action and trick me to thinking its something when there’s really nothing there. So everything that happened is because I’m weak and still unable to keep myself in check. All me. Jack has nothing to do with this.”

Ethan squeezed their wrists, his eyes shutting in an attempt to keep the burning feeling in his chest from overflowing. “Jack is your friend. Our friend. You know he would never try to hurt me, he’s always attuned to everyone in the room and worries over whether or not they’re okay instead of himself. He puts everyone above himself, something that is both a fault and incredibly like Jack. He’s not the kind of person to look down on others or intentionally harm them, you guys know that better than anyone. I don’t blame Jack for anything, he’s innocent. A victim of my poor judgement and failure to control myself. Don’t be angry, Mark. Don't do this. You have to believe me.” Ethan’s voice broke at the end, Mark and Tyler could feel the way his hands shook around their wrists.

“But I can’t…” Mark faintly said, expression open and lost. “He is hurting you. Unintentional or not.”

Ethan shook his head, his quivering lips parting to deny his words but Mark pried his fingers off his wrist and laced their hands together, pouring all his warmth with each squeeze of his fingers. “Ethan, you almost had an allergic reaction that could have killed you. You exhaust yourself trying to fight your own mind and feelings, and that is incredibly unhealthy. You’re making yourself suffer because of him. Everything Jack does; his words, his actions, affect you. Like hell it doesn’t involve him. I can’t -we can’t- just sit back and let Jack trample over you and control your life. And yes, you’re right, Jack is not that type of person. I know that. But that doesn’t change the fact that he is hurting you, his obliviousness is no excuse. I’ve seen what he’s been doing, our fanbase is not shy to reblog and comment on everything we do. The moment I figured it out I was so angry I couldn’t see straight.”

Mark took a moment to breathe deeply again, squeezing Ethan’s hand to calm himself down. Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was the painful, accepting smile Ethan wore the moment he told them he was okay to continue suffering in silence. Just to keep his friendship with Jack. Just to stay by Jack’s side.

“Jack is a good person, there is no doubt about that, but he is not innocent here, he is at fault as well. One hundred percent. So that’s why I’m going to fly to Brighton and knock some fucking sense into him.”  

He turned around once more, reaching forward to grip the mouse and click ‘accept order’, eyes narrowed in determination. Amy and Kathryn rested their hands on Ethan shoulders and pulled him into a hug, kissing comforting words on his cheeks. But Ethan didn’t listen.

No.

Jack doesn’t deserve this.

No. No. No.

“Mark.” Ethan whispered, weak and desperate.

Mark froze at the sound.

Everyone did.

“Don’t. Please.”  

Chica howled from under the conference table, having scurrying under there in fear after Mark barged in. She crawled out of her hiding place and trotted over to Ethan’s feet, resting her head right beside his shoes and looked up at Mark with wide brown eyes. She whined softly, her tail curling around Ethan’s leg protectively.

“Please.”

Mark cursed under his breath, slamming the mouse on the table. It skidded across its pad, the only thing that kept it from falling to the ground was its cable cord. It was silent, no one dared made a sound.

Chica stated resolute at her master, a look that Mark could only describe as determination and hope. He sighed loudly.

“Ethan, you have such a bright future ahead of you. Getting to know you and seeing your endless enthusiasm has been nothing short of inspirational. So seeing you so sad is heartbreaking. So goddamn heartbreaking. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be happy.” Mark finally said, his voice soft yet firm as he turned and looked at Ethan. “I’m still going to Brighton, but,” He pulled up his hand at Ethan’s protest, “you are coming with me.”

Ethan felt the world stop. “What…?”

Tyler stepped up, understanding shining in his warm blue eyes. “Ethan, you need to meet with Séan face to face and talk to him. Tell him everything; what you've been feeling, what you experienced, what he's been doing to you, unintentionally or not. This has to end.”

Everyone in the room felt their heart shatter at how small and feeble Ethan looked at that moment, arms wrapped tightly around his stomach and eyes squeezed shut. “I don't think I can. I'm fine being just friends, I-I really am.”

With delicate hands, Amy cupped his drenched cheeks and lightly pulled him until their foreheads touched. She spoke softly, her voice light and clear. “I know it's scary. I know you don't want to risk your friendship. I wish I could say you don't have to do this, but you need closure. Even if you get rejected, just talking to him will free you from your mind. And like you said, Jack is a good person. He won't stop being your friend, he cares too much about you to let this get between you and him.”

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. You got this, Crank. We believe in you.” Kathryn added, bumping her hip against his.

A tiny smile creeped up Ethan’s lips at those words. “How dare you quote Winnie the Pooh at me.” He faintly grumbled, nuzzling Amy’s hand with a sigh.

He could do this. He could do this. He could do this.

“Okay.” There was no quiver in his voice. No hesitation. No stutter.

Kathryn and Amy pulled everyone into a hug, sliding down to the floor so Chica can join in. “We’ll leave tomorrow morning. You won't be alone, I'll be there with you one step at a time.” Mark whispered over his shoulder, his arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

Ethan’s mind was silent for once, no cruel voices or malicious thoughts. He rubbed his cheek affectionately in Chica’s fur, the latter not minding the sticky feeling of his tears on her neck.

His body felt emotionally drained, going slack against the warm feeling of his family surrounding him.

He was scared.

It's happening too fast. Way too fast.

How was he going to face Jack tomorrow? Does he even deserve to be so selfish?

“Please…” he whispered to himself, “Let everything be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for my fan art, I thought it would be a nice surprise since I did make people wait for so long. I really tried but I can still see mistakes haha. I didn't realise how big it was either so I apologise for that. I'm also daichan795 on tumblr if you want to check me out (please don't, my blog is absolute trash haha)
> 
> Thank you for reading til the end, take a moment to stretch and breathe, you probably have been hunched over reading so take care of yourself ^^


	5. Confessions and Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting.  
> He didn’t expect more waiting.  
> While terrified at the prospect of immediately seeing Jack off the bat, he hoped to do it like ripping off a band-aid, confessing his feelings quickly so he wouldn’t have to prolong the inevitable. But no, of course the universe did not give him that luxury.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of the road my friends, thank you for reading my story and being with me in this little journey. I enjoyed writing this and stressing whether or not I liked how it went. For now, I am happy in the way it turned out and I hope you do too.  
> Thank you for all the kudos, bookmarks, and lovely comments all you have left, just re-reading past comments always makes my day ^^
> 
> Make sure to read the end note! :D

The flight to Brighton was smooth, and painfully, painfully slow. Ethan couldn’t think the entire time, mind for once completely blank. He knew what was going to happen. He knew what he was about to do. He should be panicking, fighting Mark tooth and nail to stop from going at all. But he didn’t. He could only stare out the small window of the plane and watch the scenery go by, his entire being silent.

Mark thankfully stayed quiet during the whole thing, his own thoughts keeping him occupied. His gaze never left Ethan’s form, so Ethan knew that the thoughts must be about him.

Soon. Soon. Soon.

The miles between Ethan and Jack were shrinking every minute and it was such a scary thing to realise. He couldn’t help but be afraid that after this trip, after their encounter, there will be more than just miles between them.

The moment his feet touched the ground, the feelings and emotions locked up broke free and crushed him. He immediately rushed to the public bathrooms and emptied his stomach in the unfortunate toilet, fast, loud footsteps following behind him. Mark rubbed his back supportively, his deep voice hummed above Ethan’s shoulder and brought him slight comfort. With little help, he got back up and rinsed his mouth in the bathroom sink, not daring to look at his own (pathetic) reflection. He clutched at Mark’s extended hand, head ducked low as he allowed himself to be guided across the airport like a child.

Signe, Jack’s roommate, waited for them at the entrance. Her bright, cheerful smile waned at catching a glimpse of Ethan’s curled up form. “Are you okay, Ethan? Did the flight make you air sick?” She asked in concern, leaning down to help put the bags in the car. She was made aware that Mark and Ethan were flying over (Amy taking the time to call her beforehand to tell her) to surprise Jack and was told to keep it a secret from him. She didn’t mind at all and offered to pick them up from the airport before she went to meet up with some of her family who also came to visit.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just catched a lil’ cold that’s all. Won’t stop me!” Ethan replied with a small grin, his voice coming out chirpy and silly.

She laughed at that, shooing Mark from the rest of the bags and stuffed them into the trunk. Signe and Ethan went into the front of the car while Mark sat in the back with Signe’s own luggage, and they drove off.

Mark observed Ethan from his seat, his chest clenching painfully at how easily Ethan acted cheerfully. The blue boy was engaged with a conversation with Signe, smiling and laughing along to their stories, as if he did not just have a moment at the airport. It was incredibly sad to watch and Mark was glad he was able to catch the signs before Ethan got good at hiding it. Seeing the way Ethan was acting now, Mark was sure he wouldn’t have been able to see it, and who knows what could have happened if he was too late. The thought sent horrible shivers down Mark’s spine and the burning anger inside his heart rekindled.

Soon. Soon. Soon.

If the situation is not fixed, Jack was going to get what’s coming to him. And it will be by Mark’s hand.

He asked Signe to borrow her phone and called Amy, telling her that they had landed safely and now were on their way.

_“Okay, Mark. Be safe. Take care of Ethan, okay?”_ Amy said softly, Kathryn murmuring her agreement in the background.

“I will.” Mark promised, his voice resolute.

_“And if Jack breaks his heart, break HIM.”_ Tyler called from the back, snorting loudly when Amy turned to shush him.

“That’s the plan.” Mark said lowly, his muscles tightening in anticipation. A little part of him winced at the prospect of having to hurt Jack, years of friendship and hardship zooming across his head. But an image of Ethan’s glossy eyes, clutching desperately around his chest as he spilled everything to them, stopped that train of thought and the anger bubbled lowly beneath his skin.

He ended the call with a goodbye, waving off both Signe’s and Ethan’s concerns and told them the gang said hi and to be safe. The rest of the ride to Jack’s home was quiet, and to Ethan, suffocating. It took a lot to keep up the facade in front of Signe, he didn’t want her to worry or to be dragged into the mess he created. Thankfully it worked and they broke off into a more comfortable silence on her part, leaving Ethan to dwell on his upcoming fate.

He is not miles away now, he’s minutes away. What’s going to happen? What’s going to change? Many questions circled in his head and he couldn’t think of any answers that will end with him being happy. He just hopes that Jack would forgive him for making trouble and everybody uncomfortable, he hoped that it didn’t ruin their friendship and Jack continued to want to talk to him.

He hoped, he hoped, he hoped. He couldn’t do anything but hope. It was the worst feeling to feel so helpless.

He tried to distract himself from his thoughts by looking out the window and take in Brighton. He has only been in the United Kingdom a couple of times, each time hindering him from truly exploring the city. This time was no different, but that didn’t stop him from admiring the beautiful buildings and parks that flew by, the smell of the sea wafting through the car and tickling his nose. The car hummed beneath his fingertips as he lowered the window and closed his eyes, taking in the smell of the sea, amazed that it could reach so far into the city. His body still vibrated with suppressed nerves but God, he needed this. He really needed this.

The hum of the car disappeared and Ethan opened his eyes to see the world not moving anymore. There were here.

Signe, oblivious to the sudden thick air enveloping the car, let out a happy sigh. “Here we are! Let me help you with your things before I leave. Aw, I wish I knew sooner you guys were coming, I would have love to have a chat.”

Mark chuckled good naturally as he exited the car to help take out their luggage, Ethan slowly (so, so slowly) followed behind him.

“Aww, it’s okay. Next time we come we can definitely hang out, maybe show us around the pier?” Ethan said with a smile, ignoring the painful ping in his heart at the thought that there maybe won’t _be_ a next time.

“I’ll hold you on for that.” She teased as she gave both a large hug. “Have fun, keep an eye on Jack for me, okay?”

“Don’t worry, I will.” Mark said with a laugh but it only sent a shiver down Ethan’s spine.

“Doors open so just head in. Surprise him.” Signe laughed. She climbed back into the car, and with a final wave, drove off.

Ethan watched her go, feeling the dread skyrocket as soon as the car disappeared from sight. Mark tapped lightly on his shoulder and gestured to the apartments, expression gentle and patient, “Do you need a moment before we head inside?”

Ethan shook his head, gulping down the spit building up inside his mouth.“No, I’m okay. You have his apartment number?”

Mark nodded in affirmation as he gripped the handle of the door and steadily opened it. They shuffled through the entry and towards the stairs, both knowing they won’t be able to take the quiet ride up the elevator. Their bags hit their legs encouragingly with each step, the echo of their footsteps up the staircase loud and unnecessary. It did nothing to help Ethan at all. The only thing stopping him from bolting down the stairs and buying a one-way ticket back to Los Angeles was Mark’s hand clasped tightly (but gently, oh god so gently) around his own hand, a reminder that he wasn’t doing this alone.

Ethan knew right away which door was Jack’s. It was a dull white like all the other doors, not really something that screamed Jack’s personality at all. But the small, and thriving, houseplant sitting innocently next to it gave it away. He remembered that Jack told him he got other plants, including the bonsai tree, to liven up the place and to challenge himself in keeping something alive.

Mark didn’t bother to stop once they reached the door, swiftly turning the knob and tugging Ethan inside with him once it opened. Not prepared for that, Ethan stumbled inside with a yelp, successfully releasing his hold on Mark’s hand. He managed to catch himself with an embarrassed laugh, whispering ‘I’m okay,’ when Mark shot him a wide, concerning look.

Ethan’s heart skyrocketed. He’s inside. Oh god he’s actually here. His eyes urgently swept across the room. Jack was nowhere in sight.

Mark, the madman, walked like he owned the place, poking his head in every room, including the kitchen and what Ethan could guess was the master bedroom.

“He must be recording upstairs in his office,” Mark said with a tsk, peering up the little staircase tucked in the corner of the living room. With a loud sigh, Mark flopped on the nearest couch, leaving Ethan awkwardly hovering over him.

“Um, what are you doing?”

“Waiting for him. If he’s recording then it would not be a good idea to barge in. The conversation we’re going to have is for our ears and our ears alone, no one else. And while I doubt Jack would release anything, I still don’t want to take the chance of something being recorded.” He patted the spot next to him, “The wait shouldn’t be long anyways, Signe mentioned that he usually finished right about now before he takes a quick break and jumps into another recording sessions. The damn Irish workaholic…” Mark said, grumbling the last part more to himself. He refused to have his fondness for his old friend slip into his voice.

He felt better after the couch dip next to him and he sat up straighter, preparing himself for the wait. Ethan took this time to calm down his heart that hasn’t stopped beating rapidly the moment he set foot into the apartment. His breathing, while sounding calm on the outside, catched uncomfortably in his throat.

Waiting.

He didn’t expect more waiting.

While terrified at the prospect of immediately seeing Jack off the bat, he hoped to do it like ripping off a band-aid, confessing his feelings quickly so he wouldn’t have to prolong the inevitable. But no, of course the universe did not give him that luxury. Instead he had to endure the hundred of voices inside his head, most whispering unpleasant things.The little voice he cherished was drowned out by the others, slipping beneath the countless insecurities and self doubt lashing back at him. _‘This is bad, this is a bad idea. Sean is going to hate you.’_

“No he won’t” Ethan said lowly, so low that Mark showed no indicator that he heard him. But that’s fine.

Tired of the onslaught, Ethan blindly reached for Mark’s hand, breathing in relief once the familiar warmth wrapped around his fingers.

Mark’s posture was rigid and alert, eyes never leaving the small staircase. He squeezed the sudden fingers sliding onto his palms with no hesitation, glad to know he could be somewhat useful to the boy, no, man, next to him. They never let go of each other’s hands, even as the minutes began to fly by, and Ethan was more than okay with that.

It was over thirty minutes that passed before they heard a sound. It was a click of a door sliding open above them, something banging the surface slightly. Then Ethan heard it. Jack’s voice.

“-footage reached you on your end, Robin? Yeah? Perfect! Now it just needs your touch and it should be good to go!” There was a pause before Jack’s laugh echoed into the room. “Quiet you! That was one time and If I remember correctly that was mostly your fault. Uh huh, uh huh yeah sure it was. Haha okay, I’ll text you later when I finish today’s recording. I really need some coffee in my system. I’m empty! Later, Rob!”

There was another quick pause before they heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Ethan took a deep breath.

Only for it to hitch in his throat when he did see him.

Jack descended down the stairs with a carefree smile, his right hand rubbing his neck as he walked into the kitchen. A low appreciative groan left his lips after he pulled out the kettle, the rush whisper of “Coffee, coffee, coffee-” audible in the room.

Jack hasn’t notice them yet.

It was for the best because Ethan couldn’t speak. All the voices completely vanished the moment he saw Jack. It’s been a long time since he actually saw him in person, it left Ethan breathless. The happiness of seeing him overrode the anxiety and fear welling up inside, if only for that moment. Mark himself had to swallow down his own joy bubbling inside, cursing Jack for having that natural air around him that made you want to be happy. For a second, he almost forgot why he and Ethan were there, stopping himself in the last second from yelling at Jack with over exaggerated cheerfulness.

Instead they listened to the loud mantra of ‘coffee,’ wincing at the loud screech of the kettle as the water boiled on the cooker. Then Jack turned around, kettle and a mug in hand as he began to pour the water into the mug. It was at this moment his gaze flickered up casually, finally noticing the two pairs of eyes watching him from the living room. He jerked back in surprise, crying out his infamous “Jesus fucking Christ!”

Amazingly enough he avoided spilling the hot liquid all over himself, only a few droplets of coffee managing to safely drip onto the tiled floor. Ethan couldn’t help the small smile appearing on his face at watching Jack blinking dumbly at them, mouth opening and closing in a clear indication of loss for words. However, the confusion disappeared quickly as it came and Jack’s face brightened with an excited smile, his arms gesturing wildly at them.

Faster than Ethan thought humanly possible, Jack placed the cup and kettle down and jogged to the living room with an enthusiastic cry. With no hesitation he leaned down to give them each a hug, not in the slightest bothered when Mark didn’t returned it. Ethan’s own hug was slower, his body lifting up with the force of Jack’s arms wrapping around him.  For that brief moment Ethan relished in the contact, hugging back just as enthusiastically with a laugh.

“What in Jaysus are you guys doing here?” Jack asked with a large grin, letting one arm fall to his side while the other still slung around Ethan’s neck. “It’s not for a prank video or nuthin’, right?” He added playfully, arching one eyebrow in mock suspicion.

“Nothing like that.” Ethan reassured, resting his hand on the arm around him.

“HmmmmmMMMMM-”

“It’s not! Can’t we come to visit an ol’ friend?”

“I guess not.” Jack agreed with a smile. “Well, make yourself at home then! Mi casa su casa. Want anything to drink by the wa-?”

“Actually Jack, we did come here for something. Or really, we need to say something important.” Mark interrupted, voice smooth and sharp. “It can’t wait.”

Jack visibly faltered, friendly smile slipping into one of confusion and caution. “Oh. Uh, yeah, okay.” He took a seat opposite of the two, fingers nervously pushing back loose green hair from his eyes. “What is it? Did something happen? Is someone hurt?” He immediately asked, eyes wide with concern and worry.

Ethan cracked a little smile at that. Of course Jack would think of other people first. If it was in any other situation he would have found it endearing. But of course, it only made Ethan sad to see Jack worked up, knowing what was going to come next.

“Nothing like that.” Mark answered and Jack leaned back in his seat, furrowing his eyebrows.

“...Does it have something to do with me? No, that’s a stupid question. Of course it has something to do with me. You wouldn’t be looking at me like that if you did.” He leaned forward, hands clasped together. “Please tell me what I did so I can correct it.” He begged softly, large genuine eyes gazing back into steel cold ones.

Mark chuckled humourlessly, turning his head to the side. “I’m not the one you should be asking, _Séan_.”

Jack flinched back like he was hit, the sound of his own name sending unpleasant shivers down his spine. If possible is eyes widen even further, switching his gaze to Ethan, who, upon realising, appeared incredibly small and fragile.

“No…” Jack breathed, voice suddenly sounding pained. “Did I do something to you, Ethan-?”

“N-No! You didn’t, it’s not-” Ethan denied, wincing at the sharp look Mark sent him. “It’s, um, uhh, not like that. It’s more about me than anything else.”

The look sharpened and Ethan waved his hands helplessly, “Umm, can I just, you know, say what I have to say? With no interruptions, from the both you?”

They both nodded, Mark more hesitantly than the other, but he did squeeze Ethan’s hand one last time in reassurance before letting go of him completely.

Ethan nodded to himself, muttering “Okay, okay,” under his breath to calm down.

“Before I start, I just want to let you know, Jack, that I will completely understand if what I say makes you uncomfortable or makes you think of me differently. I hope you’ll continue to be my friend, though, um, please.”

“Okay, but I hope you understand that I would never think bad of you, no matter what you tell me. You’re Ethan! How could I not like you?” A sharp sting hit Ethan’s chest at those words and he nods, laughing bitterly to himself.

He forced himself to ignore the immediate concern frown appearing on Jack’s face, focusing his energy to figure out what he was going to say. Surprisingly, he didn’t feel scared. He was nervous, oh god, incredibly nervous, but there was sense of numbness sinking into his skin. Almost like a protective seal over his emotions.

Now or never. Now or never. Now or never.

“ Do you realise how amazing you are?” Ethan starts off and Jack’s head snaps up, clearly startled. “It’s, um, really funny, I thought that it was going to be extremely hard to talk to you, but the moment I saw you I just wanted to tell you everything. Not even something important, just anything. I was just so happy to see you in person, to hug you! God, I can’t believe I’m going to do this.” He let out a shaky breath, his arms tightening around his chest.

“The reason why we’re here is because apparently I can’t handle how much I fucking like you. Like, full on heart eyes and heart pounding and sweaty palms. It’s really pathetic, haha...” Ethan confessed all at once, hands on his knees and eyes glued to the floor. He heard Jack sharp inhale but he persisted on. “Just talking to you brightens my day and little things like your laugh and the dumb noises you make when we play games together do really bad things to my heart, I don’t think it should beat as hard as it does when I’m around you. Or how I enjoy getting into arguments with you because I like how passionate you get, even when sometimes the debate gets kind of bad and we both show are not-so-good sides. But that’s okay, because we always make up in the end and we learn from it instead of ignoring it. A-And, um, I think I’m getting ahead of myself ahah...hah…”

Ethan threaded his fingers through his hair, taking a moment to catch his breath. He didn’t dare look at Jack, not yet. “W-What I’m trying to say is that being with you made me realise how amazing you are and it kind of fucked me up emotionally. My brain can’t understand that you only see me as a friend and that you are only being your kind and honest self. Instead it likes to trick me into seeing things that are not there and raising my hopes up whenever you do something. As if you were flirting with me, right? Because of that, I end up thinking of you constantly, fighting with my mind and convincing it that you deserve someone better than me. Maybe I also ended up talking about you a lot, I don’t know I have to ask Brian.”

He paused to laugh nervously. “So, can you do me a favour and turn me down so I can stop being silly? I think that if you do that my brain can finally get a clue and I can stop being weird.” Ethan finished with a large gasp, realising that he hardly took a breath during his whole spiel.

He did it. Oh god he did it.

What now? What is going to happen?

A few seconds later, Mark re-linked their hands together, the warmth of the contact definitely appreciated. He tilted his head at Ethan with a proud smile, his brown eyes shining vibrantly for the first time since they landed in Brighton. Ethan smiled back, albeit it was small and shaky, but he squeezed their hands tightly, knowing Mark would understand how thankful he was for him being there.

His nerves, though, continued to rise as he noticed the silence around them. He finally looked up at Jack, bracing himself for the rejection (and perhaps the uncomfortable look he would no doubt be wearing) that was to come. He was not, however, expecting the droplets of tears sliding down flushed cheeks, blue eyes glistening and bright. His breath hitched, nerves and confession jitters thrown to the wind.

“Sean, are you okay?!” Ethan cried out, sliding down the couch until he was crouched in front of Jack, peering up at him with concern.

Jack stared back silently for a few seconds before he blinked once, jerking back lightly with a splutter. “A-Ah, I’m okay, I’m okay! Sorry, its just that-” He forced out a laugh, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve. “I was really caught off guard. And what you said was so nice that it made me emotional.” He took a moment to compose himself, groaning in embarrassment as he rubbed his face free of more escaping tears. “Thank you for telling me, Ethan. Really, I know how hard it is to tell someone you like them. It’s really scary and nerve-racking. And your confession was really beautiful, i-it really got to me.”

Ethan fiddled with his hands, feeling his face flush. “Thank you....um, y-your rejection, please?”

“Rejection?” Jack asked, confused.

It was Ethan's turn to splutter, “D-Didn’t you hear anything I said? I asked for you to reject me properly so I can get over you, so I don’t have to be weird anytime I’m around you? That whole thing?” His arms flailed with his words, nearly hitting Mark’s knees besides him.

He was expecting the panic to kick in, to be overwhelmed by his emotions for actually telling Jack. But it hasn’t surfaced, squashed by Jack’s reaction and confusion.

“Of course I listened, how could I not?” Jack said seriously, “I just don’t understand why I have to reject you, or at least reject you right away.”

Ethan breath stuttered, “Jack...no.”

_Don’t do this to me. Reject me, hurry. Please._

He barely felt Mark tense behind him, too focus on keeping his breathing in check. What does Jack mean? Why can’t he just let Ethan be free?

“What do you mean?” Ethan finally asked quietly.

“It took so much for you to confess to me. The least I can do is respect your confession and take it seriously. And you don’t even know how I feel either...” Jack said, mumbling the last part to himself. He shot a quick glance at Mark, who in returned sent him a withering glare. But Mark inclined his head soon after, mouthing ‘I’m not here,’ as a silent permission to continue. Jack gave a short nod in understanding, wincing when the glare returned to its place.

“N-No, it's okay! I already know that you would never brush me off like that. I really don’t deserve your kindness right now s-so can you please just-” He gestured uselessly to himself, looking completely flustered and lost.

Jack frowned, “You said the same thing to me during your confession. What is this ‘you don’t deserve anything’ bullshit? What does that mean?”

“It’s just- look- you, you’re an amazing person and I thought that you deserve to be with someone that will make you happy and that can actually be by your side. Not someone who would only make things difficult for you. Y’know?”

“No, I don’t actually,” Jack immediately answered, “How would you make things difficult for me? Furthermore, how are you to tell me who I want to be with? Also, I want you to explain why you would think that way. You’re pretty amazing yourself, why wouldn’t someone want you?” Ethan looked even more flustered and Jack breathed out a sigh, “I just want to understand a little bit more on why you think I’m so great, cuz’ I’m really not.”

That made Ethan pause, he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Of course you are. You’re still a big doofus who worries over everyone constantly instead of themselves. I’m not saying you’re perfect or Godly,” He said with a drawl, making Jack’s lips twitch into a little smile, “but that doesn’t make you any less amazing to me.”

Ethan sighed deeply, a force laugh escaped his lips, “Look, Jack, I can’t help the way I feel. I don’t think I’m worth dating or putting time in for, especially when we live so far away. I think being with me would be... _painful._ So, I won’t hold it against you for turning me down. Your friendship means the world to me so I am very much okay staying friends if that’s what you want. I can deal with my feelings if that what it takes to still talk to you and play with you and listen to your stupid jokes and see you laugh and smile and- can you please give me your answer already? I-I think if I continue to wait for your answer it might actually kill me.” He gasped loudly for air, finally noticing how profound his heartbeat was, the thumping noise rang loudly in his ears.

He looked up at Jack through his eyelashes, bracing himself.

Finally. Please. Please. Release him. Let this day end already.

Jack looked back at him incredulously, looking loss for words. His eyes were narrowed in thought, arms crossed as he looked at Ethan. Mark sat away, back turned with his eyes closed shut. His jaw was clenched shut, his fingers twitching ever so often as if he was itching to put them in use. The silence was suffocating for everyone in the room, every second that ticked away felt like hours.

Finally, _finally,_ Jack’s face cleared as he nodded, reaching delicately over to Ethan’s hand and he took it gently into his own. He ran his thumb over Ethan’s sweaty knuckles, the warmth immediately putting Ethan in sense of peace. He relished in the way if felt so _right_ to hold Jack’s hand, mesmerised by the way their fingers fit snugly together. He, at least, can have this. They both squeezed tightly.

Jack breathed deeply, beautiful blue eyes clear of doubt.

And then he opened his mouth.

“No.”

_Finally._

“I don’t accept your confession, I’m sorry.”

_Finally._

Ethan felt the moment his heart cracked, tearing and chipping away. Only his will and the overwhelming feeling of _relief_ patched it back up. Ethan nodded once, then twice, in acceptance, a bitter-sweet smile appearing on his face. He heard Mark’s poorly suppressed gasp, the sound broken and unsure.

He was okay. He was okay. He was okay.

He was prepared for this. (But god, does it hurt. **_It hurts so bad._ ** )

He gave one final squeeze, his own thumb ran across Jack’s calloused fingertips. A last goodbye to its amazing warmth and sense of belonging. Then he let go.

But Jack didn’t let go with him.

“W-Whaa-” Ethan asked in confusion when Jack’s hand tightened around his loose fingers, hard enough that it stung a bit. Jack’s eyes were now a dark blue, etched with sadness and (what Ethan couldn’t understand) a little sliver of hope.

He lied his free hand gently on Ethan’s face, swiping his thumb softly under Ethan’s eyes, wiping away stray tears. Tears? Oh. When did he start crying?

Why?

He blinked, surprise by the heaviness he felt. Large droplets of water fell down his cheek only to be catched by Jack’s thumb. Ethan hiccupped softly, a sob stuck inside his throat.

Jack suddenly began to speak, his voice quiet and smooth.“But I want you to confess again. When you do, you’re going to tell me how lucky I will be for having you as a boyfriend. You’re going to tell me that what you’re feeling isn’t pathetic or stupid or negative. You’re going to tell me that you’re worth dating, you’re worth my time, and you’re worth more than you think. Confess to me again when you believe Ethan Nestor deserves better too. No matter how long it takes, I’ll wait. So please?” He leaned forward until his head lied against Ethan’s chest, smiling to himself as he heard Ethan’s frantic heartbeat. “I really, _really_ want to say yes so tell your silly brain to hurry up. Tell it distance doesn’t matter to me. Tell it whatever imaginary obstacle it can come up with doesn’t matter to me. Okay?”

Ethan couldn’t breathe. This isn’t real. It can’t be real. It has to be an illusion. One last sick attempt of his mind to completely destroy him. He’s going to disappear. He’s going to disappear. Jack’s going to disappear.

Ethan hesitantly lifted his free hand and slowly, oh so slowly, threaded his fingers through soft green hair.

He was still there. He’s actually there.

Jack hummed against his chest, pleased with the feeling of Ethan touching his hair.

Ethan sobbed out loud, letting go of Jack’s hand in favour of hugging him tightly. “Okay,” Ethan murmured, “Okay.”

They stayed like that for a long time, wrapped in each other’s arms, fingers clutching tightly around their shoulders. It was even better when Mark leaned against Ethan’s back, face tucked between his neck and Jack’s arm. His sobs subsided, leaving behind embarrassing hiccups and flushed cheeks glistening with escaped tears.

Jack was going to say yes to him, it wasn’t a _no_. And he still will say yes when Ethan decides to confess again. It’s going to take time to rebuild his confidence, even longer to convince himself he’s worth Jack’s want of a relationship with him. But he can do it. He will do it. For Jack.

 

-

 

“Ethan’s still sleeping?” Jack whispered quietly over Mark’s shoulder, fondly smiling at Ethan’s figure drowning under blankets and comforters. He was snoring softly, half his face mushed into the white pillows, his arms wrapped snugly around a large Septic Sam plushie.

“Yeah,” Mark answered after a short pause, eyes crinkling with unwavering affection over the boy before quietly closing the door. Ethan needed his rest.

They both walked to the kitchen in silence, each loss in their own thoughts. Jack reheated the kettle, offering Mark some tea before he poured himself some, relieved when Mark actually accepted. They breathed deeply over their cups of tea, both physically and emotionally drained from today’s events, feeling as if it lasted forever. And it still has not finished.

“Just because it worked out, doesn’t mean we’re suddenly cool.” Mark abruptly said without looking up, lips pressed against the tip of his cup.

“I know.” Jack answered.

“You messed with his mind for _months_. He almost had an allergic reaction because he couldn’t stop thinking about you.” Mark continued, voice like steel. “You sent so many mixed signals: reblogging fanart, sending flirty comments, fighting on twitter, probably suggesting things over Skype. All the while telling him that you guys are only friends, you don’t like long distance relationships, and that you’re ‘straight.’”

Jack winced with every little thing that Mark listed, face pinched into one of sadness and regret.

“Do you disagree?” Mark asked scarily calm. He walked towards the refrigerator and opened the freezer, pulling out an ice pack.

“No.” Jack agreed, voice heavy. “I did do those things. I didn’t know that it would affect Ethan so badly, I didn’t really know what I was doing myself. But that doesn’t excuse that I hurt Ethan. Jesus…” Jack rubbed his face. “I fucked up so bad.”

Marked laughed, “I’m glad you understand at least that.”

“But please know that I never intended to hurt him, and I promise that if Ethan decides to give me a chance that I will never hurt him again. Subconsciously or not. I promise you as your friend.”

Mark’s face softened at that. “I know. That’s why I’m doing this.”

Jack’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Doing wha-”

His words cut to a surprise grunt, pain blossoming across his cheek. He lost his footing and he stumbled, falling onto his side with a loud thud, his thankfully empty cup crashing besides him. His hand immediately covered his injured cheeks, tears forming uncomfortably under his eyes.

“That’s for everything you did to Ethan.” Mark gritted out above Jack.

Jack solemnly nodded, unsteadily getting back up on his feet his with hiss. He knew he deserved that. But then something white and cold filled his visions and he took a step back.

“And this,” Mark murmured as he placed the ice pack on Jack’s cheek, “is because you are still my friend.”

Jack’s chest squeezed happily when Mark’s lips formed into his goofy, friendly smile. He was glad to see that again. Jack was not fond of the glares and cold stares he received the moment he walked in.

He accepted the ice pack with a grin, “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. No, really, don’t. Ethan will kill me if he finds out I punched you.” They both laughed at Mark’s horrified tone, feeling the unsettling air around them finally disappear.

They talked a little bit after that, filling each other in on everyone’s lives from America. They talked until Mark let out a long, loud yawn, his jaw stretching with the intensity of it.

“Guest room is on the left, you’re probably as tired as Ethan.” Jack said with a smile, chuckling when Mark gave a non committed hum. He led the groggy man to the vacant room, managing to slip off his shoes before Mark dove head first onto the soft bed with a grunt, fatigue and worry finally catching up to him. With a huff, he wiggled under the covers until only his head and a little bit of his neck peaked out.

“Night, Mark. Thanks for coming, it was good to see you, both of you.” Jack quietly said, meaning every word.

He turned to leave the room but a tug of his shirt stopped him. He worriedly glanced back, surprised by the intensity of Mark’s eyes.

“Please keep your promise, Séan.” Was the only thing he said.

But Jack understood.

“I will.”

That was all Mark needed to hear before he flopped over, completely out like a light. Jack laughed to himself in disbelief before he left the room.

Jack was happy. Incredibly, incredibly happy. He pined after Ethan for such a long time, even before he realised he was pining. When he woke up that day, he didn’t expect to come face to face with the person plaguing his mind. And after taking with Ethan, neither did he. Jack wanted this relationship. But he wanted it when he knows Ethan can take care of himself, when the other no longer looked at the mirror and decides he’s not enough. Because Jack knows that is one hundred percent bullshit.

He casts a fond glance at his room.

“I hope you will soon learn...” Jack said out loud in the empty hallway.

“That the one who doesn’t deserve you, is me.”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whhaaaat, there's an extra chapter coming your way? While the main story has finished, I decided to add a bonus chapter (courtesy of RulerOfTurtles who gave me the idea so thank them for that ^^) to add a little glimpse of Jack's point of view before the confession. It should be uploaded in THREE DAYS so if you don't see it, please feel free to message me.
> 
> Overall, thank for reading this mess of a story! Keep an eye out for me as I do plan to write future stories of this pairing that are ten times more fluffy (perhaps with more kisses and hugs that you guys were deprived from). I will fill this tag even if its only me. 
> 
> Please take care of yourselves, I love you all and I hope to see you again soon! <3


	6. Bonus Chapter: What's with Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second emotion he felt was significantly darker, not angry, but more annoyed. Almost as if he was annoyed that Robin noticed the same thing that Jack did. But that's silly thing to feel, especially when Robin didn’t mean anything by it. 
> 
> Basically a bonus chapter in Jack's point of view :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank RulerOfTurtles for this idea of adding Jack's perspective of things. It might not be what you guys expected but I tried, writing two chapter in less than four days tires a person out haha! So please excuse me for mistakes!
> 
> Thank you for reading all the way through! It means a lot to me that you like such a silly story ^^

“So, Robin! How’s the schedule looking?” 

“Actually, it's going good, I've already finished editing the ‘A Way Out’ playthrough and it should already be heading your way. The animation is set out to publish in about thirty minutes or so, which the animation, by the way, is amazing.” Robin gestured to himself with a proud smile and Jack snorted. 

“Naturally.” 

“And,” Robin continued, “I'm finishing up on your two random video games and the collab with Ethan.” 

At the mention of Ethan’s name Jack instantly smiled, “How’s the collab looking? We got some good material to work with?” 

Robin nodded, but a curious gleam appeared in his eyes as he regarded Jack’s face. “...Yeah, about that.” 

Jack frowned, “What? Did the footage get corrupted or something? Audio malfunctioning? Camera problems?” 

“Nah, nothing like that.” Robin reassured, “Everything came out smoothly, no hitch to the recording or sound on both yours’ and Ethan’s sides.” 

Jack breathed a sigh of relief, “Jesus, don't scare me like that! Well, if it doesn't have anything to do with the video itself, then what is it?” 

Robin shuffled, his image flickering in Jack’s phone screen. When it cleared, it showed Robin sitting on his couch looking both amused and curious, his finger scratching lightly under his chin. “I guess the problem is that I don't know what to do with the footage you gave me.” 

Jack’s frown depended. He maneuvered his body until he was criss-crossed on his chair, the phone now propped on his desk. “What do you mean?” 

Robin chuckled lightly, “It’s hard to make the footage make sense when you're always looking away, specifically at your Skype call. Was Ethan so interesting to look at that I have more footage of the left side of your face than the actual gameplay?” Robin’s tone made it clear he found the entire thing incredibly funny but that didn't stop Jack’s face from flushing bright red in embarrassment. 

“...Please tell me that's not true.” He muttered quietly as he covered his face with both his hands, willing the blush to subside. 

“I have 55 minutes and 46 seconds of footage that says otherwise.” Robin easily replied. “Don't worry, I don't blame you. Ethan is very distracting sometimes, both in good looks and the silly things he occasionally says.” 

Jack felt two different emotions bubble under his skin at Robin’s teasing words. The first one made him want to preen, pleased by Robin’s description of Ethan. Ethan was indeed incredibly cute, both in looks and in mannerisms. It brought him great enjoyment to play with the blue boy, he always looked forward to the outrageous jokes and long tangents they were sure to rave about during their recording sessions. Jack got to see how cute Ethan can be when they talk after their recording is done, too. He never tired over their long night talks. Sometimes they argued over little things and get into heated debates, some days they just bellowed out song lyrics at the top of their lungs without a care for their neighbours or whoever heard them. Most of the time they talked about everything, no matter how small or how controversial it can be. All the while Ethan would look at with a bright smile, green eyes sparkling in the dim lighting of the webcam. So, yes, Jack can agree with Robin that Ethan is very much distracting. 

The second emotion he felt was significantly darker, not angry, but more annoyed. Almost as if he was annoyed that Robin noticed the same thing that Jack did. But that's silly thing to feel, especially when Robin didn’t mean anything by it. 

“Haha, probably!” Jack awkwardly agreed, pushing both confusing emotions in the corner of his mind (even when it simmered uncomfortably under his skin, almost like a silent reminder). “Just do what you can, maybe make it more like a funny moment montage or meme-y. I'm sure this is nothing for the Great Pixl Pit.” 

Robin stroke a pose as he exaggeratedly rubbed his chin, “Well, I am great.” 

They both laughed as Robin dropped the pose, his image flickering once more before it focused on a laptop. “Way ahead of you, by the way. I just wanted to let you know so you can avoid doing that next time. Interesting enough this happened three times already, counting this one. Not that looking at your left side is bad or anything, I just never realised Ethan was THAT distracting.” 

“Ahah, yeah…” Jack awkwardly laughed again, “A-Anyways! Is there anything else that you want to go over?” 

“Nope,” Robin said, lips making a popping sound, “I think we're good. Ah, I do have to head out anyways, I need to do some last minute shopping since my order never came. But I'll text you when I'm finished with the first batch of edits.” 

They said their goodbyes in a rather quick fashion, Robin making a spectacle of himself by immediately tripping over his cords in the background, his phone going flying to the corner of the room. Jack chuckled to himself and screamed at Robin to be careful, who responded with an unenthusiastic ‘ow,’ before he ended the call. 

Now alone, he leaned against his chair with a sigh, thoughts circling around his head. Does he stare at Ethan a lot? He never noticed before. Sure, he liked to see Ethan’s reactions when they record together, that's completely normal. The faces and sounds Ethan makes are pure gold, they never fail to spiel Jack into a laughing fit of his own, gameplay forgotten from his mind. Who can blame him for not wanting to miss those precious moments? But if it interferes with the videos, and by connection, the enjoyment for his audience, then he guess he will try to keep himself in check. Besides, it is a little bit weird to be staring at your friend constantly. 

“Hopefully, Ethan never noticed.” He groaned to himself. That is something he really doesn't want to explain if the younger boy ever questions him. Luckily, Ethan seemed oblivious to his staring, if not for the fact that he never brought it up during their many conversations or showed any evidence that he caught Jack at all. Not that Jack is complaining, he wouldn’t know what to do if he was caught. 

“Ugh, maybe I should use this time to look on tumblr, or twitter.” He grumbled to himself, tired of his thoughts jumbling inside his head. He was already finish with recording for the day and did most of the editing that needed to be done, so he made himself comfortable on his chair and pulled up tumblr on his computer. He instantly smiled once his home page appeared, reblogs of fan’s art posts and gifs sets loading up before his eyes. He loved seeing the creations his fan create, even when the works themselves were not about him or had anything to do with him. It never failed to make him smile, amazed by the sheer talent they possess. So, it wasn’t a rare sight to see Jack scrolling through his social media feed when he is down or needs a pick-me-up from the days he doesn’t really feel like himself. 

He moved his cursor to the ‘saved tags’ and clicked on his name, filtering it so only recent posts would show up. He leaned against his chair as he scrolled through the tag, occasionally bursting out laughing out from the sheer silliness some of the post contained. During these moments he tried to read most of the long text posts as well, wanting to make sure everyone had a chance to portray their creativity other than artistic abilities. Sometimes these types of post helped Jack understand his audience, learning about their lives and the thoughts they had during certain videos. Sometimes he read ones that were not nice and Jack tried to analyse these types of post instead of dismissing them, searching for constructive criticism that he can actually use to better himself. 

But on that day, the tag was free of such things, most were screaming about his egos and their sudden appearance in recent videos. The artwork and conspiracy theories were really entertaining to see, making the editing and exhausting planning with Robin completely worth it (he secretly loved to watch his community burn). The tags were interesting to read as well. Most were tagged accordingly with his name and whatever context the text needed, others had very enthusiastic replies with caps lock on and random keyboard bashing. It’s a sight to see. 

It was during this moment of looking through tags that he found something peculiar. He encountered a spam post that had random things tagged in the bottom in hopes of getting clicks and notes. Jack almost scrolled by it, thinking nothing of such posts, but a tag caught his eye. He put the cursor on top of the tag to get a better look and both his eyebrows raised up in surprise when he realised what it said. ‘ **Cranksepticeye** .’ 

“Is that...what I think it is?” Jack wondered out loud, staring at the innocent tag with growing curiousity. It has to be a ship tag, there’s no doubt about that, but he was surprised that it existed in the first place. So, his subscribers switched their attention to a new ship that wasn’t septiplier? And with Ethan of all people? 

Jack rocked back and forth on his chair in thought, weighing his options in his head. On one hand, this is not his first rodeo. He knew what could be behind that innocent tag. On the other hand, it was with Ethan. He wanted to know what people were talking about the blue boy. It couldn’t hurt to look, if only for a minute. 

With a determined nod, he clicked on the tag with an exaggerated push of his finger, cautioned thrown out the window. When it loaded up, he was pleasantly surprised. The artworks were cute and wholesome, fake Jack and Ethan looked incredibly happy together in every scenario they were depicted in. There were gif sets of the two playing video games and joking around, nice (and very happy) captions on the bottom of each one. The conspiracy theories and fanfiction were cute as well, even those that contained explicit content (which were thankfully tagged appropriately). He couldn’t find anything to dislike in the tag and he found himself enjoying scrolling down the page, his heart fluttering with everything he saw and read. But his fun was short lived when after a few minutes of scrolling, the cursor no longer moved, and Jack was at the bottom of the tag. He surprised himself by the intense feeling disappointment he felt the moment he realised there was no more for him to see. 

Well. That is something he cannot allow. 

With no hesitation, he picked out a random artwork of he and Ethan together out on a date and hit the reblog button, expressing his gratitude and encouragement of more artwork in the caption and tags below the piece. He did the same for a few others, determined to gain at least a little bit of attention to the small community, hoping it will help make it grow. He didn’t really think about what he was doing or what it might have meant (or the consequences). All Jack knew was that he wanted more cranksepticeye works for him to see. Maybe it was because he didn’t have any negative feelings over the ship like he did when he was paired up with Mark. Maybe it was because the work themselves were appealing enough for him to overlook what the actual content contained. 

Or maybe. Just maybe. 

It was because Jack just really liked seeing Ethan and him together.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

“So what was that all about?” 

“What the hell are you talking about, Felix?” Jack said irritably, pushing Felix’s legs off his coffee table so he could set his laptop down. 

The moment his laptop touched the surface his fingers flew across his keyboard, eyes narrowed in intense focus. It was obvious he had no time to entertain his surprise guest visit who made himself comfortable on Jack’s couch. Felix merely raised an eyebrow at the intense annoyance radiating off his usually cheerful friend. He regarded him with a cautious eye, debating how he was going to tackle this situation. He decided for the more casual route, resting his hands on the back of his head as he leaned back, careful to keep Jack in his line of vision. 

“You know what I’m talking about. The infamous message that is plastered everywhere on my social media of the smack down you laid on that hate comment from your recent video. To be honest, I don’t understand why it’s gaining the attention it is. You spoke nothing but the truth, and unlike me, you were actually respectful about it. No cursing or calling them names. Well done.” 

“It’s called being a decent human being,” Jack said with a roll of his eyes, but his body did lose the tension it had the whole time Felix was there, it made Felix breathe a bit better. “But thanks for saying that.” He pushed his laptop away from with a sigh. “I really need to take a breather, typing my feelings away is not working. I’m not thinking straight.” 

Felix nodded in agreement, pushing his legs out of the way as Jack began to pace back and forth. 

“Now don’t get mad at me,” Felix said slowly, catching Jack’s attention, “But I don’t really understand why you’re so worked up over this. Is it because people keep talking about it? Is it because of the social medi-” 

“I could care less about that crap, you know that.” Jack cut him off, irritation coming back full force. “That’s not why I need to take a breather.” 

Felix kept quiet as Jack continued to pace with more vigor, his own thoughts jumbling inside his head. Then why? Whatever it was, Felix didn’t like seeing this side of Jack. It just didn’t feel  _ right _ . 

“...Then what is the reason?” He asked softly, abandoning his casual posture in favour of getting a better look at Jack. 

Jack paused in his pacing, cheeks flushed from lingering anger. “It’s just- ugh, I’m still annoyed over what the guy said- or what I’m assuming is a guy-j-just whatever! I’m just angry over their comment.” He rubbed his face, “God, it’s so stupid that I’m still so annoyed.” 

He sighed loudly to himself, not noticing the intrigued look that crossed Felix’s features. “Wait, so let me get this straight. You’re not mad about people blowing up your comment out of proportion and plastering it on every video and social media. You’re mad over the comment the asshole left about your friend, Ethan?” Felix asked incredulously. 

Jack groaned, both his hands coming up to cover his face from the embarrassment washing over him. “...Yeah.” 

It was silent for only a few seconds before Felix barked out a laugh, the noise stifling after Jack sent him a warning glare. “I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just, haha, so like you to be angry about that sort of thing.” 

For Felix, he felt relieved. For a moment there, he was really worried for Jack. 

“I can’t help myself,” Jack defended himself, misinterpreting Felix’s laughter as mocking, “He called Ethan a waste of time! Who says that? Then he had the nerve to tell me I should play with someone ‘better.’ What’s wrong with Ethan? Nothing, that’s what! It just makes me angry and sad that there are people who don’t understand how cool and funny Ethan really is. All this person did is dismiss someone very important to me and acted like they knew what was best for me. What’s worse, they used a person’s illness to do it. So yeah, I think I have every right to be angry.” 

Jack abandoned pacing back and forth after it did little to calm him down, opting to go the kitchen and pour himself some tea instead. Felix followed behind him, Jack’s words playing carefully in his head. He waited until Jack had the warm beverage in his grasp before he spoke, his curiousity still not quenched. 

“Not that I don’t agree with you, I do, I also think you do have every right to be angry.” He started off, gaining confidence when Jack nodded, “But that was hours ago! And I still don’t understand why  _ this  _ specific comment ticked you off. I will bet my whole life savings that you have received far worse comments, with far worse terminology used. Scratch that, I know you have, I’ve seen quite a handful of them in your ‘reading your comments’ videos. Heck, we get death threats every other day, we get threats in general! You don’t usually acknowledge these types of people, and I’m not undermining you at all! I agree that you did the right thing in calling him out on his bullshit. What I’m trying to say is that you don’t normally let these types of comments affect, and when you do, it’s not  _ this _ badly. It’s like the moment they mentioned Ethan you-” Felix cut himself off, realisation dawning on his face. 

But Jack didn’t noticed, too focused in his own thoughts. 

Jack sighed loudly again as he rubbed his face with his free hand. “I know, I know. I know it’s not like me at all. That’s why I’m trying to calm myself down. Why do you think I haven’t recorded anything today? I refuse to show myself like this to my audience. I’m suppose to distract them from their everyday lives, not make them worry over me. I better call Robin and tell him I will be posting some of the pre-recorded videos we have saved instead…” 

Felix hummed to himself, suddenly finding the tea cup in Jack’s hand very interesting.

 

-

 

“What the hell is he doing?” Jack muttered to himself as he stared at his phone, his twitter notification beeping every so often. 

The damn Swedish bastard only left his house an hour ago. Why is he engaging in a twitter conversation so soon? And with Ethan of all people? 

_ @pewdiepie $  replied:  _ ;) Well well well, if it isn’t blue boi. Gonna get my sexy merch? 

The guy hasn’t even met Ethan! What is he doing? 

Jack stared at the tweet with a frown, punching the reply button with a lot more force than necessary. 

_ @Jack_Septic_Eye replied:  _ He actually has taste unlike some people :v 

Gotta keep it playful. Gotta keep it playful. Gotta keep it playful. 

He actually did like Felix’s merch. He found the whole idea hilarious and they both had a good laugh when the product surprisingly looked really good. He was not ashamed to admit that he bought a hoodie. But right now, he was not inclined to mention any of that to Ethan who may or may not see these tweets. The winky face after Felix’s tweet also rubbed Jack off the wrong way. 

_ @pewdiepie $ replied:  _ If he hangs around with me more I’m sure that can change ;) 

That damn winky face! What does it mean?! What is he implying... 

Jack breathed deeply through his nose, squashing down the unsettling feeling forming in his stomach. Felix is just being his annoying self. Jack knows how he’s like, Felix does the same thing to him all the time, heck, he sometimes sends Jack the occasional nsfw fanart of the both of them in compromising situation. So, why does it bother him that he is doing the same thing with Ethan? It’s all so confusing, he shouldn’t be feeling possessive over a friend. 

Annoyed with himself, Jack replied back with a slight edge while still making it look like he was joking. 

_ @Jack_Septic_Eye replied:  _ Leave Ethan alone, Felix, he doesn’t need to learn anything from a shitty swede :P 

There. That should do it. Maybe Felix will get a clue and drop whatever the hell he is doing. 

He set his phone down on his counter, feeling completely drained. God, he hasn’t done anything that day and he was already exhausted. 

Then his phone chimed and he felt like screaming in frustration. He snatched his phone with scowl, ready to dm Felix if the damn idiot continued to do this. But then he read the tweet reply and the anger he felt before melted away. 

_ @pewdiepie $ replied:  _ Well aren’t you two cute <3 Date already. -gif- 

For some reason, that reply made Jack feel extremely smug. He wanted to message Felix and tell him that yeah, that’s right, he and Ethan _ would  _ be cute together so Felix can shove those damn winky faces down his throat. But Jack believed that he had enough tweeting for the day and called it quits, more than positive that their fanbase was going to have a field day with this interaction. For that alone, Jack made up his mind to forgive Felix for the headache he caused, pleased that his audience enjoyed the little spectacle, even if he didn’t understand what happened himself. 

Anger now completely gone, Jack decides to look up fanart and posts in his new favourite tag. He really needed a break from the stress he caused himself and what better way to relax than to sit down with a cup of coffee and admire the talented people he has the pleasure to have as an audience? Pleased with his plan, he set out to make a cup of coffee. 

Hate comments, twitter conversations, and a pleased Swedish man completely forgotten.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

“So, you like him?” Robin said carefully, his voice slightly static-y over the phone. 

“...Yeah, I think I do.” Jack whispered, his voice taking a more airy feel to it. It felt both weird and amazing at the same time to admit it out loud in the open, especially in front of someone (even if it was over the phone). 

“Wow,” Was the only thing Robin managed to say, but it was with a kind tone and Jack was finally able to breathe easy. He laughed softly, shuffling the phone to his other ear. 

He recorded a dating simulator for his next video a few days ago, and during the video he couldn’t help but be reminded about his revelation he had only a few days ago. The confusing feelings he didn’t comprehend before had reached its limits and it spilled out of him in waves, and he had enough. Determined to not let the alien feelings drown him, he withdrew from social media and electronics for a day and dedicate it to better understand himself. He sat himself down on his bed and thought. And thought. And thought. Anything that he could think of that could explain why he felt the way he felt was put to the side to be analysed further later on. It was a small list. Nothing made sense and it frustrated him. 

When minutes turned to hours, Jack got fed up with being cooped up in his room with no progress of understanding why. Maybe he needed someone to talk to, it might help in figuring out what is going on. 

He rolled his phone between his fingers. Who to call? He needs someone who he trusts, someone who would listen without judging him or making it a joke. Someone who would calm him down and tell him to breathe. 

At that moment, he only thought of one person. 

Ethan. 

Without realising, he pulled up Ethan’s number and pushed the call button, biting his lips nervously as it rang quietly in his ear. It rang, and rang, and rang, until it cut to a voicemail. While hearing Ethan’s pre-recorded voice did make him feel a little better, it was crushed by the sheer disappointment that washed over him. 

“He’s probably busy…” Jack muttered sadly to himself, proving himself right when a second later he got a text. 

**Blue Angel:** Hey Séan! Sorry for not answering, I’m in a meeting right now. But if you want to talk, I’ll be free in around 30 minutes :) 

Jack smiled to himself. It made him happy that Ethan would still want to talk to him after being in a meeting, he knows how tiring that could be. 

**Jack:** Nah, you’re good! Sorry, I accidentally called you, I was trying to call Signe and tell her that I have dinner ready. Enjoy your meeting ;) 

**Blue Angel:** Noooo save me :( 

Jack laughed to himself, only sending shrugging emojis in response to Ethan’s pitiful cry for help. It was after a few minutes have passed that Jack realised he has been staring at their messages with a creepy smile, his anger and frustrations completely gone. He thought about that for the rest of the day, occasionally pulling up their text conversations to stare at them, confused by the feeling of content that drummed beneath his skin. 

Then Ethan sent him a picture of Chica and him lying on a carpeted floor, face lightly blushed from the hot heat and a happy bright smile curling on his lips (and God, was he beautiful. The smile was so wide it made his eyes crinkle. It was breathtaking). 

**Blue Angel:** Meeting over, thank fuck! 

And then Jack knew. 

“Well, I guess I’m not that surprised.” Robin said with a grin, “You do have him in your contacts as ‘Blue Angel.’” 

“Do you not agree that it fits him?!” Jack defended himself. 

“No, no, I do! I’m just saying that I’m not that surprise. The signs were all there, I just didn’t put it together. The staring, the constant talking about him, your response that went viral...the fanart.” At the last part Robin raised an eyebrow in amusement, and Jack had the decency to blush. “I follow you on tumblr, don’t think I haven’t noticed your activity on there.” 

“Yeah, I should have realised sooner, too. But, I’m a stupid, a dumb-dumb!” Jack grumbled, hitting himself lightly against his forehead. 

“So, what now?” 

Jack looked seriously at the floor, switching his phone to the other ear. “...I don’t know.” He confessed honestly. 

Robin hummed quietly, a brief moment of silence passed between them. 

“...Do you want to do anything about it? Now that you realised you like Ethan?” Robin asked seriously, tone suggesting that whatever Jack decided, he would back him up. Jack smiled in appreciation over Robin’s support. 

“Maybe, I’m not really sure? I haven’t really thought about it. I guess it depends on whether or not Ethan even wants a relationship. Especially with someone like me, it hasn’t even been a month since I learned that he wasn’t in a relationship with Tyler. That kind of threw me off!” 

Robin made a noise in agreement. 

“But...yeah, “Jack continued, his voice coming out soft and vulnerable, “If given the chance, I would like to date Ethan, if he would have me. I think I will even take just being friends, I just want to try, y’know?” 

“Yeah,” Robin said with a laugh, “I think that is perfectly okay.” 

They fell into a comfortable silence. Jack felt extremely good, better than he has for a while. He doesn’t know what was going to happen next now that his feelings are in the air. Perhaps nothing at all, but he didn’t regret admitting to them. He was glad that it was Ethan, he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“Speaking of perfect,” Robin said, breaking the peace, “I just finished the final touches of your ego video.” 

Jack stood up straighter, a large grin spreading across his face, thrilled to talk about the project. He was glad that Robin didn’t make his confession a big deal. “That’s awesome, the community is going to love it. Now I just need to have the normal video be finished. The footage reached you on your end, Robin?” 

“Yep, all of it showed up.” 

“Yeah? Perfect! Now, it just needs your touch and it should be good to go!” Jack exclaimed, his fist clenching in anticipation. 

“Naturally, if it was in your capable hands, everything would be up in flames.” Robin teased and Jack laughed loudly. 

“Quiet you! That was one time and If I remember correctly that was mostly your fault.” 

“I’m pretty sure adding actual fire in the video was your idea.” He said nonchalantly and Jack snorted, “Uh huh, uh huh yeah sure it was.” 

“Speaking of footage, I do still have to start on your ‘normal’ video. Make sure you take care of yourself too, I really don’t want to be responsible for you fainting because you overworked yourself.” 

Jack rolled his eyes, “ Haha okay, I’ll text you later when I finish today’s recording. I really need some coffee in my system. I’m empty! Later. Rob!” 

“Honestly, same. Later.” 

With that, Jack ended the call with a smile, feeling infinitely lighter than he did before. Now, Jack really needs to refuel on coffee. He hasn’t had a cup in an hour and that of itself is travesty. 

“Coffee, coffee, coffee-” He chanted as he jogged down the stairs. 

If he was being honest with himself, Jack didn’t really care if his feelings were accepted or not. Just being with Ethan, whether it’s by text,on social media, or in person, is enough for him. All that matters is if Ethan is happy. 

And if Jack could have Ethan as a boyfriend? Then that only be surprising gift. An unexpected, but truly wonderful gift. 

Because Jack knows better than anyone that he would be lucky to have Ethan by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final goodbye to "He Deserves Better." I hoped I gave it a good send off. I love you all very much and I hope I see you again on my next project <3


End file.
